Another baby fever post (deal with it)

It’s kind of weird.

I have baby fever. Bad. If you haven’t noticed.

Before too long, the hubby and I will start trying for kids.

I am very excited.

But no one else is.

Very few people IRL know about this development upcoming.

My mommy has some idea and is happy for me, but that’s about it (plus we don’t talk all that much, so we haven’t really discussed it). She reassured me she was ready to be a grandma, which is good, and that’s about it.

I told one local friend, and while she was happy for me, she said she hoped we would wait longer. I feel like, on the one hand, yes, you can always wait longer and enjoy life now and get in a better position. And yes, I am young. But biology is screaming at me and the hubby and I have been together almost 8 years now and we’re financially stable and I’m kind of in a holding pattern. So that was kind of a deflating moment.

My bestest friend lives far away and isn’t married (probably partially because she’s so hot and brilliant 347 guys are all fighting over her). We keep up and chat and I am totally going to kidnap her and move her up here when she is done with her masters work but not that often (Noticing a pattern? It’s me, not them. I suck at regular phone conversations. My long-term friends are the ones I can not talk to for a year and then pick up right up where we left off when we spend a week living together.) She is super awesome and will be happy for whatever makes me happy (’cause she’s super awesome like that) but just in a different place in her life..so I can’t see her getting super bubbly excited for me, just like how before I hit this point I didn’t get super bubbly excited for others.

My other good college girlfriend has a kid and is excited-ish, but also in her own life and, again, we don’t talk much.

Another local IRL friend reads this blog and so knows where I’m at-ish, but we’re still fairly new friends and both pretty shy, and this being pretty personal it’s not something we really talk about (though she did give me massive amounts of comfort last week with my scare just by telling me it was OK to feel like it was a big deal)i.

And my hubby..well, he’s awesome. He does not have hormones driving him crazy, yet is still willing to adapt himself to my biological clock so I’m not fighting it for years. But we are definitely moving on my time, not his. And I have to try to keep the excited baby crazies down to avoid driving him crazy.

That about sums up who knows about it IRL. So it’s a pretty private thing. I am happy. I am looking forward to it. I have been waiting for this for a long time.

But no one else really has feelings above “Oh, cool,” at most.

It’s kinda lonely and disheartening to be so excited and so looking forward to and so consumed by something that no one else really cares about. I feel like I have to hold it in all the time and avoid bringing it up. This is amplified by the fact that I’m really not pregnant yet, so there’s nothing concrete to tell people or talk about anyway. But I am doing all kinds of research and preparation and getting excited and learning and going through new things now, even if I’m not pregnant yet. And there’s no one to share that with.

I didn’t realize how lonely it was until at my doctor’s appointment last week. I told them the timeframe we were thinking, and the doctor’s assistant got so excited and happy for me! She was bubbly and happy and told me congratulations and even squealed a little bit.

This woman just met me. It was my first appointment. And she works at a birth and family clinic, so it’s not like there’s a shortage of pregnant, soon-to-be pregnant, or recently pregnant women around her.

But she still got excited for me.

That made me feel so good.

I can’t wait to go back!

**Disclaimer: I in no way blame ANYONE in my life for lack of reactions. Most of the time it is my fault, anyway, for 1) not keeping in regular contact and 2) being shy. It is what it is…I’m just commenting on how “what it is” is kind of sucky. Low-grade sucky. But still. I would love someone to squeal with and talk things over with and get happy and excited with and share the ups and downs of this hormonal process with…I’ve just never been good at making friends. And right now all my jobs are pretty isolating (run my own business by myself, just started tutoring/teaching my own classes in a center where the only other staff I know is the owner, tutor online with no real human contact). If I was at my engineering job I can think of at least 2 girlfriends who would totally be squealing with me and checking in on me…but that’s not where I am now. Again, my fault. Just kind of lame.

But hey, if this is the worst “kind of lame” in my life right now, I’m doing pretty good.

To the one who puts up with my crazy…

Dear, sweet hubby-

I remember in pre-marital counseling when the therapist asked me what I loved most about you. And I said something to the effect of, “He puts up with my crazy.”

She chastised me, and told me we would look back on this moment and want to remember me saying something nice.

But that was nice. We both thought so.

I am not an easy person to live with. My own alphabet soup helps make that true. I have had lots of kinds of crazy over the years. (Most recent being the hormonally-driven baby crazies.)

And through it all, you have stuck by me, loved me, supported me, given me a safe place to relax, to fall apart if I need, to just be me. I have never been able to let walls fall with anyone like I can with you.

I love your strong arms.

I love your kind eyes.

I love your earnestness.

I love your passion.

I love your honesty.

I love your quiet strength.

I love your desire to do good, be good.

I love your joy.

I love your patience.

I love your brain. (What can I say? Nerds are sexy!)

And I love, and am so grateful for, your acceptance, love, and support.

Thanks for choosing me, sweet hubby of mine.

Happy birthday to you, and may you live to four times this age!

Mind, SHHH!

Baby fever is back in full force.

After my scare earlier this week that my wait may have doubled, I’m all squared away and still on track for beginning to try for baby relatively soon. (I say “my” and “I” because this is definitely more my thing (though of course hubby is on board)…I’m the one going CRAZY with hormones).

And recovering from that scare? Learning things were still on track?

Pulled my low-grade baby-fever which had been lingering for a week into a much more serious fever that is making me slightly delirious.

It is almost all I can think about. I cannot get my brain to shut up. Every. Single. Topic of conversation can easily be turned in my head to “baby!”

It’s nuts.

And I know that.

But I still can’t keep from scaring my hubby a little with the intensity.

Blargh.

My only hope is that this spike in the fever means that it will break soon.

Oh, and whoever coined the name “baby fever”?

Freaking genius.

Perfect metaphor.

Break, baby fever, and hold off. It’s not too much longer until you can make me start crying at “failed” pregnancy tests hopefully become reality!

PS Sorry for all the non-existant-baby talk going on here. It really is all I’ve been able to think about for any length of time. Hopefully soon I can get back to my regularly scheduled programing!

Reassured

I met with my new doc today.

And she was fabulous.

She’s a regular family practice doc, but at a birth and family clinic.

And she knew her shit.

She spent over 45 minutes talking with me, going into details answering my questions.

I never felt rushed. In fact, I eventually rushed her, because I had to get to work.

And her assistant was amazing, too. Nice and just talkative enough, and got excited for me when I said I wanted to get pregnant in the relatively near future.

The best part?

The new doc told me to not worry about the longer waiting period.

Go with the shorter one.

Don’t worry.

That waiting the shorter time is being safe.

She even explained how the vaccine works and what the concern is.

And this is with her being over-conservitive with regard to other issues.

Things like telling me to go off the pill at least one month before I decide to start trying, so my uterus has time to stabilize (even though that will be extra time of debilitating pain). She said there was probably no risk to getting pregnant right away…but what if I had a miscarriage in early pregnancy? I’d always wonder if I could have prevented it by stopping sooner.

See that? See how she said there was something I was planning to do that would probably be harmless, but there was a small chance it could go wrong and if I didn’t avoid it I’d always wonder?

Then see how she didn’t categorize waiting the extra time after the vaccine as the same thing?

Yeah.

And that wasn’t the only way she was overly conservative.

Which I totally appreciate, by the way.

She basically had the attitude of, if you can do something to prevent possible problems in pregnancy, do it.

But she flat-out told me to not worry about waiting the extra time.

Not even any CYA about how she couldn’t say for sure, and it would probably be fine, but it was up to me. Really, just said not to worry, and explained why.

So. Appreciated.

So here I am, three vaccinations later.

And I feel like a massive load has been taken off my shoulders.

It is 7:22. And I want to go to bed.

I’m not stressing obsessively anymore, keeping myself awake.

The exhaustion from sleep deprivation has hit.

I think I’ll sleep well tonight.

Obsessed

I can’t let it go.

I can’t decide what to do.

I have been varying between depressed and obsessive about my news from yesterday all day.

If it is medically indicated, of course I will wait as long as needed to keep a potential baby healthy.

If the longer time is a number pulled out of the ass of the vaccine company (which they’re trying to cover), then I don’t want to wait that long.

There has never been a reported case of the vaccine causing any type of anything in a fetus, even when given to a pregnant mother.

But the disease it prevents can cause serious problems to the fetus if caught while pregnant, and the vaccine uses (weakened) live virus.

All medical agencies say to wait the shorter time, and then you’re completely fine, and only wait at all to be on the safe side because they don’t know.

But the manufacturer says to wait a longer time.

In the scheme of things is it that much longer?

No.

But in the way my mind is going, the everything it has built up to now, the year+ of ever increasing baby fever (the last round was so intense it caused physical early pregnancy symptoms), it is a long time.

And if it’s for no medical reason but a number plucked out of the air..is it worth it?

But if I were to go with the shorter time and have the first ever baby who had complications, could I forgive myself?

The overly-conservative side of me says to wait the longer amount of time, even though ACIP and AAP don’t.

Every other part of me screams to only wait the shorter amount of time.

I could never forgive myself if things went wrong.

But if the chance of things going wrong is basically zero, is it worth all of the heartache and headache?

I just don’t know.

I can’t stop spinning around.

I hope the new doc tomorrow (family physician) can answer my questions. I hope she has the patience to talk me through things. I hope she has the knowledge to know where these numbers come from. I hope she has the answers to if I can take another blood test after the shorter time to discover if things are safe.

I hope I can have some peace after I get the first round tomorrow.

Because I am going to have to decide.

And no matter what I do, I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive myself, either for selfishness or for unnecessary pain.

Crushed

Sorry if you’re getting this twice.

I put it up last night. Then I pulled it down, because I figured exhausted and emotional wasn’t the state to decide if I wanted this personal info up.

It’s part of my story. I’ve decided it belongs here.

So it’s back.

*********************************************************************

I know this is a little thing.

And I know that, in the scheme of things, it will make no difference.

But still, it hurts.

My hubby and I had a time in mind when we would start trying to get pregnant.

I have been holding off baby fever by envisioning that time, just telling myself to wait til then.

About a month ago I went in for a pre-conception meeting.

And my doctor totally blew me off.

But she did tell me to get some blood tests. I had no idea what they were for, or how they might be significant. So due to some scheduling things (I had to get another set of bloodwork setup, where I need to get the blood drawn is downtown, a pain in the butt, so I was waiting til my next appointment with a provider there so I’d be in the area, etc.) it was several weeks between receiving paperwork and actually getting blood drawn. I had no idea there was any kind of rush. I told her when we were thinking, and she didn’t indicate anything could affect that.

Tonight she called me with results.

I need another vaccination, because my immunity from the last round has worn off. I have to wait a set period of time until trying to get pregnant after getting said vaccine (x-y months). While x months would be fine, we were planning on waiting longer than that…y months means a longer wait.

And I have been totally revolving around this idea that at said time we would try to get pregnant.

I could risk not getting the vaccine and hoping I don’t get exposed. But that’s damn risky. And stupid.

I could risk trying to get pregnant after x months but before y months. It’s unclear why there is a range I should wait as a minimum, and of course you didn’t explain, just stated. It would probably be fine. But if it wasn’t? Well that’s just dumb. I should wait the extra little bit of time to ensure a healthier baby. I would never forgive myself if it interfered, because it is such a small sacrifice for potentially such a big difference.

So the time I have been unsure how I was going to wait until?

Isn’t even the time anymore.

Looks like it’s going to be later.

So. Freaking. Tough.

I know it’s dumb. I know it’s little.

But baby fever has hit me hard. And it’s been here a long time. And hormones just won’t listen to logic.

UPDATE: Oh god. I just looked into the vaccine more. Looks like I need multiple doses of it. Which means my wait didn’t just increase a little, it doubled, because of how spread out the doses need to be.

I seriously want to cry. This completely blindsided me. How I wish my OB had told me what the bloodwork was for, and what possible implications were. All the tests were yes/no things, it would have been easy. And then I would have been prepared. And I would have known 2 weeks sooner…not a big difference, but at least it wouldn’t feel like I wasted time.

And the winner is…

Corey!

I went to Random.org and hit the random number generator..then I tried to copy-paste the image over here, which completely screwed up the whole post and I had to scrap it and start over. So trust me, it said “1″

Corey

February 14, 2011 at 4:49 am (Edit)

Whoo! Go girl! (What day are you pulling a name? I’ll pimp the giveaway when I pull on Friday if you want.)

I’m reading Little Bee. I recently read Water for Elephants. Loved both. xoxo

Corey, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll send you some cold, hard (Amazon) cash e-gift card.

She also happens to be the only person whose give-aways I’ve ever won, and a regular participant in my give-aways (it’s good for my ego), so I just feel like I’m giving something back here :-)

Thanks, all, for playing!

Just a friendly reminder…

Only one more day to enter the my blogiversary giveaway! Entering is super easy, and you can get some free money to Amazon!

I went book shopping yesterday because a Borders near me was closing and everything was one sale. I got some super cute Boynton board books for my future baby. Because I am obsessive like that. I now own Doggies! :) What would you get with Amazon money? Just tell me (on my blogiversary post) to enter!

More photos! (Stop it, you’re not sick of them yet)

February 13

I was going to take a bunch of photos of a friends’ jewelry this day…but then we got busy with her teaching me to coupon and us eating a yummy dinner and got tired. So I just have a photo I took of one of her fused glass pieces with my phone.

It totally reminds me of xkcd. I love it.

February 14

I totally suck. I thought I took a photo. Guess I didn’t. *hangs head*

February 15

New photos of pieces for DesignsByART

 

 

I love her pieces so much. Now I need to get them on Etsy.

February 16

One  of my favorite students! Hope you don’t mind, awesome student/friend of mine, I just love this picture! Her big ol’ delicate lap dog.

February 17

Whaddya know, I’m posting today’s photo today! Granted, it is another cell phone pic…*sigh* That’s OK, it’s still a photo.

This is what has been staring at me all afternoon.

Cutest. Puppy. Ever.

WTHW Just Under the Deadline

I have decided I’m going to lose weight.

Again. Because it didn’t work the last 27 times.

I have set a goal. 10 pounds in 10 weeks. Nothing groundbreaking. But significant.

So now, every day, my hubby and I are each exercising at lest 15 minutes.

We can run. We can elliptical (we have one in our house). We can Wii Fit. Those are our basic options at this point. But whatever we do, it has to be for at least 15 continuous minutes (or 15 minutes of actual exercise on Wii Fit).

And then, at the end of the day, we weigh in on the Wii Fit together.

Because it totally graphs things for us. And I like graphs. And stamps. You get to stamp a calendar. Have I mentioned I’m goal oriented?

Anyway.

We are on day 4. I just finished another workout. Just Wii Fit, because I had physical therapy and my knees are really hurting, so I figured impact exercise or really wide range of motion was not the way to go.

And you know what?

My weight went up again.

In fact, my weight has gone up every! single! day!

WHAT THE HELL??????

I’m being good! I’m eating less! (Purposely trying to not eat out of boredom or when I’m just a little hungry or in the evenings. Portioning smaller and waiting to see how I feel before getting more. Etc.)

I’m exercising! OK, it’s wimpy, pathetic amounts of exercise, but still! For me it’s a lot! (And, total excuse time, because of CFS I’ve been told not to do more than 15 minutes in one go, because it’ll use up my energy reserves too fast.) So, you know, for me this is good!

Sure as hell better than I have been…and yet my weight held steady for 6 months before.

So why did I gain 2.5 pounds over the last 4 days???

I know it’s not much. I know things can fluctuate. But seriously.

Every.

Single.

Day.

It has gone up.

It’s not fluctuating. It’s increasing.

Grrrrrrrrr.

This trend had better stop. I’m getting angry!

This is why people are not meant to exercise…

PS Go enter my give away for $10 to Amazon! And then go enter Corey’s giveaway for the exact same thing!