Crushed

Sorry if you’re getting this twice.

I put it up last night. Then I pulled it down, because I figured exhausted and emotional wasn’t the state to decide if I wanted this personal info up.

It’s part of my story. I’ve decided it belongs here.

So it’s back.

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I know this is a little thing.

And I know that, in the scheme of things, it will make no difference.

But still, it hurts.

My hubby and I had a time in mind when we would start trying to get pregnant.

I have been holding off baby fever by envisioning that time, just telling myself to wait til then.

About a month ago I went in for a pre-conception meeting.

And my doctor totally blew me off.

But she did tell me to get some blood tests. I had no idea what they were for, or how they might be significant. So due to some scheduling things (I had to get another set of bloodwork setup, where I need to get the blood drawn is downtown, a pain in the butt, so I was waiting til my next appointment with a provider there so I’d be in the area, etc.) it was several weeks between receiving paperwork and actually getting blood drawn. I had no idea there was any kind of rush. I told her when we were thinking, and she didn’t indicate anything could affect that.

Tonight she called me with results.

I need another vaccination, because my immunity from the last round has worn off. I have to wait a set period of time until trying to get pregnant after getting said vaccine (x-y months). While x months would be fine, we were planning on waiting longer than that…y months means a longer wait.

And I have been totally revolving around this idea that at said time we would try to get pregnant.

I could risk not getting the vaccine and hoping I don’t get exposed. But that’s damn risky. And stupid.

I could risk trying to get pregnant after x months but before y months. It’s unclear why there is a range I should wait as a minimum, and of course you didn’t explain, just stated. It would probably be fine. But if it wasn’t? Well that’s just dumb. I should wait the extra little bit of time to ensure a healthier baby. I would never forgive myself if it interfered, because it is such a small sacrifice for potentially such a big difference.

So the time I have been unsure how I was going to wait until?

Isn’t even the time anymore.

Looks like it’s going to be later.

So. Freaking. Tough.

I know it’s dumb. I know it’s little.

But baby fever has hit me hard. And it’s been here a long time. And hormones just won’t listen to logic.

UPDATE: Oh god. I just looked into the vaccine more. Looks like I need multiple doses of it. Which means my wait didn’t just increase a little, it doubled, because of how spread out the doses need to be.

I seriously want to cry. This completely blindsided me. How I wish my OB had told me what the bloodwork was for, and what possible implications were. All the tests were yes/no things, it would have been easy. And then I would have been prepared. And I would have known 2 weeks sooner…not a big difference, but at least it wouldn’t feel like I wasted time.