I feel stuck where I am.
I desperately want to go into counseling, to get more control over my life and my self. I’m tired of being reliant on a pill to get me through the day, and to keep me from being a danger to myself. If that’s all it was, I would learn to deal, but I also want to have kids soon, and you cannot be on my meds while you are pregnant/nursing. So I need to discover a way to cope without them, to at least get to the point I’m at now while off the drugs.
I also just want the experience of therapy. Talking things out helps me. But there are very few people I trust enough in life to talk to, and there’s only so many times they can listen to the same thing. And, while I greatly appreciate all that they DO listen, I feel like someone who actually does therapy (well) does more than listen, they help you process more quickly and give you tools to do so. I want those tools.
My problem is, how on earth do I find a therapist? There are SO MANY bad ones out there, as I’ve learned from other people’s blogs (for example…) and from the experiences of people I know.
My current doctors are all downtown, largely because while I live 30 minutes North of it (in no traffic, which happens so often around here) I work in downtown. But I don’t want to find a psychologist down here because my goal is to get to the point that I can go off meds and have kids…and quit work. At which point we’ll probably move farther North for the hubby’s job. And I know with depression it’s hard to get yourself to care enough to do what you know you need to. When I’m down it’s hard to convince myself to swallow a little pill in my hand with a glass of water in the other. A 30 minute drive and expensive parking? Not happening. However, when I’ve tentatively asked my doctors down here, none of them know anyone up North. So no doctor referral.
I know very few people in the North end, none of whom are in therapy or know someone in therapy or have kids in therapy (not that a child psychologist would do me any good…well..depending who you ask ;-). So no referral from a current patient.
For some reason psychologists and therapists put NO INFO about themselves online. I would like to find someone who has knowledge of the things I’m facing. I would also like to find someone whose theraputic technique is not “try harder.” I blame myself enough for the physical and chemical damage in my brain without a “professional” blaming me, too. And I already can completely shut down if I’m afraid someone is judging me, something I am obsessive about. I do not need a “professional” who I feel is judgmental.
I take that back. I found one great website where therapists will put up some info about themselves, their approach, what their main specialties and secondary specialties are. Unfortunately, virtually none of them are covered by my insurance, because insurance companies are a pain in the @$$ to deal with. And while my sweet, wonderful, supportive hubby is willing to pay for appointments completely out of pocket…we’re trying to save money and the appointments are ridiculously expensive and it seems silly to me when there ARE doctors who the insurance will pay for in full. So that website has basically confirmed for me that 80-90% of therapists would not be a good fit for me (even of the ones who seem great for someone else).
So basically, the only option I see is to pick someone blind. Off a list the insurance company provides.
And that terrifies me.
I do not want to go to a bad therapist. And, from what I hear and have seen, there are far more bad than good. So it will likely be multiple blind picks before I can find someone who 1) knows what they’re doing and 2) I can trust and talk with. And I know myself. A single off-handed comment that I think might be negative can send me into a downward spiral for days. A bad experience with someone I pretty much have to trust and talk with (in order to see if they’re a good fit) will be very hard for me to get over.
I’m scared to move forward. But I’m tired of being stuck where I am.
Anyone out there have any advice on finding someone good???