OK, I am seriously…I don’t know what I am. Overwhelmed, I guess. It’s a fun blend of guilt, stress, worry, and anxiety.
Because today my hubby and I tentatively decided on a day when I leave my job.
Which made it all real.
And what day? The end of April. Just over a month away.
That is so soon!
That is when my current project (which I’ve been working on for a month+ already) ends. I’ll be ft on the project up until then, and then I’ll be switching to something else, which would probably also take months. I don’t want to leave them mid-project…but I also don’t want to stay for another 5-6 months. So…that leaves me with April.
The guilt comes from 1) essentially throwing away money. I could be making my ridiculously-low-for-what-I’m-doing-but-still-far-above-minimum wage at 40 hours a week, and for no “good” reason, I’m going to (probably) drop to a lower hourly rate and work fewer hours. I feel guilty over this. Even though my hubby keeps assuring me that we will be fine. and 2) I feel like I’m lying to everyone in my office. Today my boss stopped by and told me to be sure I get a set of the drawings and insist my three-lettered-friend let me in on the drawing production process, for my long-term professional development. And I just felt my stomach clench as I looked at him and knew that there was no long-term development to worry about. He has been so good about training me in my job despite my lack of background, giving me the experiences I need to grow, being patient with my lack of understanding..and now he’s still doing all of that, but I won’t be paying him back for it with my time as I get more experienced. Plus just talking about long-term projects, I know he plans for all of us way out in the future, I know there’s a lot of office camraderie…and I’m basically lying to all my office friends by omission.
The stress comes from thinking about telling my boss I’m leaving. Going in there as a woman, and telling these macho guys about how my invisible diseases that make me sad and tired are keeping me from being able to cope with the work..um…yeah. That’s gonna go over REALLY well. Especially since things are so personal around here, and I’ve told him every review that things are going well. Because they are. As well as they can be for the situation. Everything he has control over, is good. I just can’t handle the basics.
Worry is from thinking about how my office is going to react. Again, tight-knit group of less than 40 people. Every time someone leaves, everyone knows why, everyone says goodbye, they go out for goodbye lunches/happy hours, they discuss where the person is going at length. And I have no excuse I feel like sharing with the office at large. So I will try to keep it quiet as long as I can. But I want to give my boss a month’s notice. So that’s a long time for things to stay quiet. Possible. But hard. And I’m not going to just disappear, I have to tell my friends…but tell them what? They’re not close-enough friends that I’d tell them about what I’ve got going on (except one. There is one guy who knows I’m leaving. He’s the only other one I know frustrated enough to also want to leave. But for him it’s more company-related problems). So…I need to figure out how I’ll handle that.
Anxiety over what next? Well, over everything I’ve mentioned, and over what’s next. I have possible jobs. I am very qualified to teach. At this point I’m not going to go get certified. It doesn’t make sense if I’m planning on having kids in the next few years (which I am). But I can still go to places like Sylvan Learning Center and work as a tutor. And those places pay well. Some of them even pay more than I’m currently making, to tutor math. And they all need math tutors. So part-time, more flexible work with no commitment I can walk away from any time? Great. Awesome. If I can get the job. If I can land one that pays well. If I can make the scheduling all work out so I still can see my hubby. If it actually is good for me. What if I just am not capable of being happy? What if I will find stress wherever I go? I already know that I often feel guilty when I’m happy. If I’m enjoying something, clearly there’s something “better” I should be doing. But not all the time. Not if I feel like I’ve earned it. Not if I feel like my hubby’s not having to take care of me all the time. Not if I can feel like an equal partner in this marriage, even making less money (who am I kidding? I’m already making 3/4 of what he is at an equivalent job!).
But to help me get over this…Corey is super awesome! Remember when I declared I was going to walk 5,000 steps every day (and even kind of did it!) ’cause she challenged us to take care of ourselves? Well, there was more to it than just a challenge. Telling her how we’d take care of ourselves was also our entry into a drawing. A drawing for heavenly Bath and Body Works presents. And I won!!! I honestly do not think I have ever won a drawing. Ever. Maybe I did and I’m forgetting. But if so, it’s still pretty dang rare.
So that totally made my night. And I’m very excited for my body scrub to arrive :-D
And while I was finishing this, my puppy crawled across my lap and plopped down, letting his body put pressure on me and giving me his warmth and comfort.
How can I be stressed?
Letting it go for tonight…