WW: Affirmation

Writer’s Workshop time again:

2. “I need all the help I can get and if repeating something healthy and inspiring to myself several times a day helps, then I’m going to do it!” -What affirmation makes you feel better? WELL THINK OF ONE.

My current affirmation that I just made up need to keep repeating to myself (and hearing from as many people as possible):

My most important job is taking care of my health.

This applies to both physical and mental health.

Today I quit my job. Yes, I realize many will think this is stupid with the economy. I don’t care. Or at least, I’m trying to tell myself I don’t.

My most important job is taking care of my health.

Physically I have been so exhausted I am having a hard time getting through each day. I keep making mistakes in simple things. I keep catching myself losing my train of thought mid-sentence. I have no idea of what has happened the last several months..and not in the normal way that I’ve experienced before, that everyone experiences sometimes…in a weird way where all my energy went to just making it through and there was none left for memories or enjoyment.This comes largely from the 10-11.5 hour days I work (getting paid for 8) thanks to “voluntary” training lunches and big long commutes. Not to mention the high stress and mental exertion necessary non-stop all-day.

My most important job is taking care of my health.

I have been getting sick, more than I ever have before in my life. I did not used to get sick. I have been sick repeatedly this winter, and with some of the worst illnesses I can remember having (excluding mono). I threw up for, literally, the first time I can remember. Not cool. I am wearing out my body. No energy left for an immune system.

My most important job is taking care of my health.

Mentally..things have not been good. When injuring myself so I can stay in the hospital with no responsibilities and nothing to do but sleep sounds like a not-half-bad plan..well..that’s not how it should be. The depression has been strong. And constant. And dipping down into the really low levels more and more frequently. Life’s not worth living when you can’t bring yourself to care.

My most important job is taking care of my health.

So I quit. This way I can get myself back under control. I can re-find balance. I can get the help I need to do so. Hopefully I can even find out what is causing the CFS (long shot, I can hope).

My most important job is taking care of my health.

My boss was so nice about it. I told him I was leaving for medical reasons, and that I had been trying to deal with/get treatment for my medical problems and keep working full-time and I just cannot do it. I need to stop so I can get well. He told me he valued my work and didn’t want to lose me. He asked if I would be willing to go on medical leave of absence so they could maybe get me back when I was ready. I told him that I had no idea how long treatment would take, a minimum of many months, and that I didn’t know if I’d even be able to work full time right after it was done. He said he didn’t care. He valued my work, he valued me, and he wanted to help me do what was best for me and get me back if possible. I had no idea he thought that highly of me.

He never once tried to convince me to stay.

He never once tried to guilt me.

He told me to take care of myself even while making it clear he was sad to see me go.

It is hard to leave such a supportive, tight-knit company.

My most important job is taking care of my health.

I’ve been slowly telling my work friends. Every time it’s hard. Every time I cry. The thought of losing them hurts. Their shock at losing me is hard. And it’s not like I’m going on to bigger and better things. I’m just crazy and sick.

My most important job is taking care of my health.

With so much support it’s even harder to go. If they were assholes at least I could say, “Screw you,” and leave and focus on me. But they’re not. So I feel guilty. And I feel scared for my future. And I worry if I’m doing the right thing.

My most important job is taking care of my health.

Being an engineer is not my most important job. Starting in May, I am taking care of my health. This is what I should be doing.

Breathe.

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8 Comments

Filed under Writer's Workshop

8 responses to “WW: Affirmation

  1. You are right, your most important job is taking care of you! If you can’t take care of you, you can’t take care of anyone else!!! Trust me, take it from someone fighting cancer!

    It’s good you quit, you will see!!

  2. Your most important job is taking care of your health. You are still saying that you are unsure and scared…and that’s perfectly normal. But, you really do need to remember your new mantra. Your most important job is taking care of your health.

    Good luck on your newest journey to health!

  3. Hi Babe,

    It may not seem like much at the moment, but as someone who is/has been where you are, I’m here if you ever need me.

    Send me an email, give me a call, I’m sure we can work out time differences… I’m nearly always awake anyway. My meds either don’t let me sleep, or put me out for days… It’s do-able.

    If I can help, at all, in any way shape or form, PLEASE, let me know.

  4. Leaving your current job does not mean that you must leave your (work) friends behind. I still encourage you to meet once and a while…go out for coffee, invite them over for dinner, and stuff like that. Friendships, at least true ones, don’t leave just because you left a J-O-B.

    I WANT you to focus on your health, but I don’t want you to WAIT until May to do so. This should be everyday, even if it’s something little.

    Hang in there kiddo! I’m rooting for you!

  5. Good for you! Such a wise decision. I hope it all works out for you.

  6. Good for you! Making the decision is really half of the battle. I hope the decreased stress makes it easier to get well. Just don’t isolate yourself!

  7. You don’t have to lose your friends…it sounds like they’ll keep track of you, even once you’re doing what you need to do. Good luck.

  8. Breathe! I was wondering how this was going to go for you. You are so right. You need to get better, focus on yourself for a while. Hang in there. Blog. It helps!

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