Monthly Archives: July 2010

I am going to have ugly babies

Don’t laugh at me. This is not something I would normally do.

But then I was trying to catch up on my blogs, and I came across The Psycho Mama’s post about her hypothetical son.

Complete with link to The Bump baby morpher.

And of course, then I had to try it.

Ready to see my future child?

No! Wait! Come back! He’s not that ugly!

Or is it a she? I let the machine decide. I can’t tell.

Is that a bad sign?

I don’t think I’m ready for kids…

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The spirit is willing…

I really want to blog. I do. I feel like it.

But nothing is coming to mind that I want to blog about.

Things are happening…but they haven’t processed.

So I’ll leave you with this cute video of my puppy being VERY NAUGHTY. It’s cute…in very small doses. And not at 6 AM :-)

(Sorry it’s sideways,  I’m not tech-savy)

I love my baby boy! And I find it so funny how he has to look up when he cries :-)

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Holy shit!

I passed!

Rememeber that interview thing I thought I bombed?

Evidently I didn’t! I passed!

All that’s left is the open-book final exam, and then I can start making more $$$! And getting experience! And having another job to fall back on!

WAHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

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A fun new game

This is how my hubby and I have been deciding all our disagreements.

I have been losing a lot. But happily!

(Side note: We can now run through Sheldon’s entire speech – including hand motions! We are such nerds)

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Blindsided

Today has been a day of, “….WHAT?!?!?!?”s.

First, I am going to my new puppy class (yay puppies!) with Toby. There are only two puppies in the class, and so I’m bringing him to be a third dog. He’s a year and a half old, but good at playing with puppies and still has energy. I like at least 3 dogs in a class, so if the energy of two dogs doesn’t quite mesh, there’s a buffer they can go through. Plus, puppy class is for socialization. You can’t socialize with just one other puppy.

ANYWAY.

It is 10 minutes til class. I’m in my car (because I’m running late). My phone rings. OK, better answer it in case they’re waiting for me or lost.

It’s one of the students in my class.

Cancelling.

No shit. Cancelling 10 minutes before class starts.

Which means there’s now ONE puppy in the class. The class whose purpose is (mainly) to socialize with other puppies.

Luckily, the remaining student was happy to have 6 weeks of private lessons, even sans wide socialization. I’m trying to get some former students to come back and attend for free. We shall see.

Second WTF moment: I just finished my mock session for an online tutoring service. I’d love to work for them. I’ve tutored unofficially for years. I’m good at it. I’ve been told I’m good at it by many, many students who have had a hard time understanding things, and then get it when I work with them. I’m very analytical, so I can dive down into where exactly they are getting stuck, and explain it in a way they understand. Plus I love it.

I figured online tutoring with flexible hours would be great for some extra income and as a fallback if I get sick of retail (plus I’m almost certain it pays more).

The entire session was one big WTF. It starts out and they present me with a concept I cannot remember how to do. I haven’t looked at it in, no joke, at least 4 years. I am approved for 5 subjects, and I felt confident in them all…but 1 topic in 1 subject just blindsided me. As I frantically scrambled to figure out how to solve the problem I stalled. Plus talking and pointing and writing concurrently is VERY different from typing then drawing on a digital whiteboard. So the session that should have been 10 minutes? Was 45. OOPS!

Oh, and then to top it all off, I was so frazzled that at the end I wrote down (x-3) instead of (3-x).

Causing the student to get a negative answer…for a VOLUME.

Which they asked me to check.

And I said was right.

‘cuase, you know, I like buying -1 gallon of milk at the store.

*facepalm*

(To my credit, as soon as they said, “…should a volume be negative?” I knew EXACTLY what had happened and quickly explained it. But still. )

Well, it was a nice dream while it lasted. I only wish they didn’t have you read through all the details of how everything will work when you are a tutor before the mock session…makes it feel like you’re already in. Which makes this (probable) slap in the face oh-so-much more painful.

Alright. Time to go. The hubby’s taking me out for a celebratory consolation dinner.

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Writer’s Workshop – Take 2!

The prompts this week are so nice I feel the need to answer them twice! Go to Mama Kat‘s to play along, you only have to once ;-)

1.) Write about your wedding song. What was it and why did you choose it?

I love my wedding song. I loved my wedding dance.

If you hadn’t guessed I hate having people staring at me. It’s generally at odds with blending into the wall one of my main general goals in life. So the whole idea of spinning slowly in a circle while some trite song played and I had nothing to think about but their eyes was not popular with me.

So we took dance lessons! We didn’t have anyone choreograph a dance for us, we just learned how to dance. Some basic steps and some fancy additions we could use. And then…we danced. The hubby had parts of it planned in his head…we spun-in-a-circle danced for the intro, then moved into the traditional one-two-three-pause box step…and danced the night away. Or the song away at least. Ending with a beautiful dip (that took lots of practice).

It was beautiful. People cried.

I’m not even shitting you.

I loved it. I forgot all the people staring and just got caught up moving with and following the lead of this wonderful, amazing man who was now mine. Somehow.

The other part I insisted on was picking a song that had meaning to us. That we had a history with. But that we could real-dance to.

Here is what we chose:

Tomorrow morning if you wake up

and the sun does not appear

I will be here.

If in the dark we lose sight of love

hold my hand and have no fear,

’cause I will be here.

I love the affirmation in this song. It’s hard for me to believe one person would actually stay with me forever, through anything.

I will be here

When you feel like being quiet

When you need to speak your mind I will listen

And I will be here

When the laughter turns to crying

Through the living, losing and trying

We’ll be together

I will be here

The hubby introduced me to Steven Curtis Chapman early when we were dating. I still really like his music, even though I’m no longer Christian. His All About Love CD has so much good stuff on it! I love Echoes of Eden…but not quite wedding appropriate. We Will Dance is another great one. But we chose the song we had the most history with.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up

And the future is unclear

I will be here.

Just as sure as seasons were made for change

Our lifetimes were made for these years

So I will be here.

I love the promise of forever. Love it.

I will be here

And you can cry on my shoulder

When the mirror tells us we’re older

I will hold you

And I will be here

To watch you grow in beauty

And tell you all the things you are to me

I will be here.

And for almost two years now, he’s been here. It’s not been all sunshine and roses. But there’s always been sunshine and roses…because he’s been here. (All together now, “Aaaaaaw…*choke* *gag*” What can I say, my blog, my place for corny truths :-)

Love you, hubby.

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Wanting to get better

I started to comment on a response to a post by Corey, a woman who I admire more than it is even possible to describe, when I realized I had written enough length to have my own post about it.

So I’m writing my own post about it.

She is asking,

Is it possible that a child could so comfortable and complacent in their misery that they don’t want to leave that place?  For a long time I thought, no way.  No one could possibly want to be unhappy ALL.THE.TIME.

Her daughter told her recently that  “she just wants to be someone else.”

She used this beautiful analogy:

It’s like she’s sitting in a prison cell and the key is right in the lock and there’s no guard and she’s just keeping herself in there anyway.

So here is my response to her.

I don’t know if this will be at all helpful, but I feel the need to say it and I hope you don’t throw things at me.

I kind of know how Vivi feels.

As you know, dysthymia going on here. I hate being down all the time. I hate it. I hate feeling sad. I hate hurting my husband. I hate feeling like I can’t take care of myself. I hate feeling like I have no control over my emotions much of the time. Sometimes I get so upset over having depression I depress myself.

And I know that I can get better. Learn to manage. Pull myself out of this pit. Make a life for myself. People do it. It’s possible.

But that TERRIFIES ME.

This is who I am. This is who I always have been. I have been the person who gets down and cannot get up. I am the person who is sad all.the.time. It is a huge part of my identity, to myself at least, that this is something I cope with. It is how I am strong, dealing with these feelings of worthlessness and sadness and nothing every. Single. Day.

I am in therapy now. And I am trying to learn to cope.

But here’s my dirty little secret.

I don’t really want to get better.

I want to want to get better. But I can’t.

This is ME. This is a huge part of ME. The dysthymia is part of my identity.

If you take it away, who am I? What is left? Am I even me anymore if this horrible depression isn’t around every corner, or have I lost myself? What will be left, when you take this ENORMOUS part of every single day of my life away?

What will be left won’t be the only me I have ever known. Am I so invaluable I shouldn’t even be allowed to exist anymore?

The dysthymia is a horrible, negative part of my life that I hate…but that doesn’t change that it’s a part of me. And I can’t let go of it.

Logically, do I know this is crap? Absolutely.

But in my gut, I am still not even to the point where I can want to get better. All-the-way better.

I don’t enjoy living like this. But it is all I know. It is who I am. And quite frankly, if someone said, “Step in this box and it will all go away and never return”…I don’t know that I would step in the box. Or, to put it in terms of your analogy, I am sitting in the jail cell, and if someone put the key in the lock and walked away…I couldn’t get up off the cot to open the door and walk into freedom.

I am choosing to be “unhappy ALL.THE.TIME,” because while I don’t like it, the alternative is even more terrifying. Better the horrible I know than the unknown.

How sick and wrong is that?

And I’m an adult. A very analytical adult who can think through and understand and express (very poorly) these feelings. But I still have them.

And my problems are way more minor than hers. Way less a part of my identity. I can’t even imagine how terrifying it would be to let go of such a huge part of who she has been her entire life. Because, quite frankly, I am so terrified at letting go of the part of me that I abhor that it leaves me curled up in a ball in the far corner, weeping like a baby, unable to face the possibility.

I have been known to say, especially in the depths of frustration over what the depression is doing to my life and that of the people I love, that “I just want to be someone else!” It’s obviously impossible. The most I can do is change who I am. But the truth of the matter is, if I lost the things that are frustrating me…I’m afraid I would be someone else. Someone I didn’t know. That I would lose me. I, the person, would cease to exist. And that is very scary stuff.

I’ve never expressed this to my hubby (before now). Because it’s hard living with me. And I can’t admit to him that while I want to want to change so I can stop hurting him…I don’t want to change. Because living with me can hurt him so much, and I’m ashamed I can’t even want to make the things hurting him go away.

I hope that makes a tiny bit of sense. I’ve never tried to vocalize these thoughts before, and I am not known for my eloquence or clarity.

I’m sorry there’s no insight here. I haven’t figured out how to battle my own, relatively minor demons.

Good luck to you helping her figure out how to conquer hers. I am sending all the strength and love I can for you in your journey.

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