If only…

It’s time for Writer’s Workshop with Mama Kat!

Today’s prompt (well, yesterday’s prompt, but you know):

2) I wish I would have…describe a time when you didn’t take action, but later wished you would have.

This one’s fairly easy for me to answer (after some thought).

About a year and a half ago, I went to my primary care physician for a problem I was having. She prescribed me a med, and told me to come back in a week to see if I was having any side effects. Okiday, hopefully this will work!

A week later, I go back, and tell her I think I’m having a fairly major side-effect. She completely brushes me off. “There’s no way, it’s too early for that to be showing up!” she said confidently. And…she was the expert. She’d gone to med school. If she told me this wasn’t a side-effect, well, then it wasn’t a side effect! It must just be caused by something else in life or…me.

Fast-forward 6 months. For other medical tests, I had to go off of my prescription. I did. And as soon as it was out of my system, that symptom that definitely wasn’t a side effect….went away. Entirely. Completely. Totally.

I felt like me again! It changed my entire perspective on myself, to realize that this horrible symptom I’d been dealing with, thinking it was my fault, was really entirely imposed by a drug.

But, you know, 6 months of thinking there is something wrong with you stays with you. And it’s hard to let go of. And it has affected me in ways I still haven’t been able to shake. It’s been a year, and I’m still suffering from that doctor’s dismissal.

I wish I had stood up to her. I wish I had researched the drug and realized what I was complaining of was an incredibly common side-effect. I wish I’d gone back a few weeks later and made her pay attention.

I wish I hadn’t been so intimidated by “authority” that I let myself suffer for months, in a way that has, and will, affect me for years.

Doctors are just professionals like any other worker. They aren’t gods. They aren’t perfect. And I know my body better than them. At least I’ve learned to (try harder to) stand up for myself in the future.

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1 Comment

Filed under Life, Writer's Workshop

One response to “If only…

  1. I don’t know if you intended us to comment here or not but here goes.

    This was from high school and I didn’t really know anyone and I was kind of a loser. I’d failed my first 9th grade year because…I think I was slightly depressed with my parents separating. So, I was in Spanish class and I met someone I fancied: she sat right in front of me and we talked all the time. The teacher actually had to split us up.

    Anyway, I started developing a bit of a crush for her and it was honestly the first girl in high school I’d actually had feelings for. My problem has always been letting these feelings be known. Even today I’m a bit of a coward when it comes to the opposite sex–at least in that way. And as the years passed I’d kept feelings for her even though she was never interested in me, ever. Or I don’t think.

    It’s been about 10 years since I’ve graduated and I still can’t really bring the topic up with her or anyone else and I wished I had. I have a lot of regrets from that time in my life and that was probably the biggest. Even if she had said, “No, get away loser.” I would’ve been fine with that. But no, I buried the feelings and I keep kicking myself about it.

    I still speak to her occasionally and it always reminds me of what I was never able to do and it makes me feel a strange sense of melancholy and acceptance of the fact that I never did ask her out or anything.

    Interesting addendum to this story: I was a graphic designer in high school and she requested a t-shirt be made. I never did get around to it until the last weeks of my senior year and when I finally gave it to her she looked happy and actually gave me a hug. So, I dunno…a kind of victory of sorts?

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