Deep, deep in the throes of baby fever.
The hubby and I aren’t quite ready yet. But getting there.
And as we get closer, the desire only gets stronger.
It’s like when I am training a dog not to pull by throwing treats ahead of us and walking towards them only when the leash is slack. Most dogs figure out the game quickly, and will learn to keep their impulses in check as we start out…but as they get closer to that treat it gets harder…and when it’s so close they can almost taste it they almost invariably start pulling as hard as they can again.
I’m pulling as hard as I can on that leash, as my desire for a baby gets stronger and stronger the closer it comes.
I keep wanting to nest. But I don’t have a baby. I am not pregnant. I am not even trying to get pregnant. So I really can’t nest yet.
But I want to.
I keep looking at baby books and wanting to buy them. Ever heard of Sandra Boynton? I love her books! Especially Doggies, which I have totally read out-loud to my hubby in a book store before, with all the appropriate dog noises. We only got a lot of stares. Pshaw. I can’t wait to read that one to a child. (I may possibly have bought a few kids books at Goodwill already, all for older kids, but still!)
I want to start picking out baby clothes. Pieces. There are always clearances at the end of the season, and I want to get things! But have I mentioned I’m not even trying to get pregnant yet? I don’t know when this baby will be born. I can’t really start guessing what kinds of clothes he/she will need at what age. Though I guess everyone does need onesies, no matter what the season…(No, Eileen!)
I want to start making baby blankets. Or baby carriers, like the mei tai I made for my friend, or a ring sling. Making baby stuff is so much fun. But definitely costs money. And carriers are quick, so it’s not like it would help me eat up the time. Blankets are really..slow…so it doesn’t really make me feel like I’m doing much, either.
I have a habit of saving the prep work for something until the event at hand is actually formally occurring. I didn’t buy any lingerie until my hubby and I were formally engaged. I wouldn’t spend the night with my hubby until we were formally married. I wouldn’t buy any college stuff until I had been formally accepted to (and basically chosen) a college. And by saving this up, it makes it even more exciting and fun and wonderful when I do get to do it.
But on the other hand, I’ve been waiting for this for, what feels like, a lot longer. A lot longer of actively wanting, at least. And maybe starting to get ready would help me bide my time better. Help me feel like I was doing something for it, even if not trying to get pregnant.
I think my biggest fear is that I will get things, and get excited, and feel like I’m getting all prepared for my child…and then find out I have fertility issues. And it will be months or years of trying with no success, and all the things I bought just making it harder to accept. It sounds silly, but it’s holding me back.
Plus there’s the whole spending money issue :P I’m not sure what part of the budget “things for theoretical possible future baby” would come out of.
I don’t know. I try to keep myself busy. I try to find purpose in other ways. But at this point, I’m basically biding time in my current life with my current jobs until I am pregnant and can really throw myself into preparations. I don’t want to get too involved in anything new, because I’ll just want to give it up or cut it back when I have a new baby (at least temporarily).
So…I wait. I hang out in limbo. I try to come up with ways to meaningfully occupy my time. But I’m finding those ways are starting to annoy me, too. Like how Companions is doing phenomenal, and I keep having new private clients call me and my basic classes filling up weeks ahead of time (maybe time to open another one!). But I find myself getting annoyed at putting time into it. It’s not where I want to be right now. It’s not what I want to focus on. So it vaguely annoys me.
Or signing. I could totally, logically, throw myself into signing, learning ASL better, maybe taking classes, maybe studying and taking the first part of the certification test. Even when I was pregnant or had a baby I could totally keep that up part-time! But the thought is like an annoying fly I brush away. There’s a lot of detail work to do before I could really start that. And the thought of doing it is a niggling annoyance…so I passively avoid it.
I am not complaining. Life is good. I have a fabulous husband, a good life, lots of freedom, and my health keeps improving. Life is good.
But I am musing. Because I need to come up with another way to view things, so these next months (years?) are not interminable.