Deep, deep in the throes of baby fever.

The hubby and I aren’t quite ready yet. But getting there.

And as we get closer, the desire only gets stronger.

It’s like when I am training a dog not to pull by throwing treats ahead of us and walking towards them only when the leash is slack. Most dogs figure out the game quickly, and will learn to keep their impulses in check as we start out…but as they get closer to that treat it gets harder…and when it’s so close they can almost taste it they almost invariably start pulling as hard as they can again.

I’m pulling as hard as I can on that leash, as my desire for a baby gets stronger and stronger the closer it comes.

I keep wanting to nest. But I don’t have a baby. I am not pregnant. I am not even trying to get pregnant. So I really can’t nest yet.

But I want to.

I keep looking at baby books and wanting to buy them. Ever heard of Sandra Boynton? I love her books! Especially Doggies, which I have totally read out-loud to my hubby in a book store before, with all the appropriate dog noises. We only got a lot of stares. Pshaw. I can’t wait to read that one to a child. (I may possibly have bought a few kids books at Goodwill already, all for older kids, but still!)

I want to start picking out baby clothes. Pieces. There are always clearances at the end of the season, and I want to get things! But have I mentioned I’m not even trying to get pregnant yet? I don’t know when this baby will be born. I can’t really start guessing what kinds of clothes he/she will need at what age. Though I guess everyone does need onesies, no matter what the season…(No, Eileen!)

I want to start making baby blankets. Or baby carriers, like the mei tai I made for my friend, or a ring sling. Making baby stuff is so much fun. But definitely costs money. And carriers are quick, so it’s not like it would help me eat up the time. Blankets are really..slow…so it doesn’t really make me feel like I’m doing much, either.

I have a habit of saving the prep work for something until the event at hand is actually formally occurring. I didn’t buy any lingerie until my hubby and I were formally engaged. I wouldn’t spend the night with my hubby until we were formally married. I wouldn’t buy any college stuff until I had been formally accepted to (and basically chosen) a college. And by saving this up, it makes it even more exciting and fun and wonderful when I do get to do it.

But on the other hand, I’ve been waiting for this for, what feels like, a lot longer. A lot longer of actively wanting, at least. And maybe starting to get ready would help me bide my time better. Help me feel like I was doing something for it, even if not trying to get pregnant.

I think my biggest fear is that I will get things, and get excited, and feel like I’m getting all prepared for my child…and then find out I have fertility issues. And it will be months or years of trying with no success, and all the things I bought just making it harder to accept. It sounds silly, but it’s holding me back.

Plus there’s the whole spending money issue :P I’m not sure what part of the budget “things for theoretical possible future baby” would come out of.

I don’t know. I try to keep myself busy. I try to find purpose in other ways. But at this point, I’m basically biding time in my current life with my current jobs until I am pregnant and can really throw myself into preparations. I don’t want to get too involved in anything new, because I’ll just want to give it up or cut it back when I have a new baby (at least temporarily).

So…I wait. I hang out in limbo. I try to come up with ways to meaningfully occupy my time. But I’m finding those ways are starting to annoy me, too. Like how Companions is doing phenomenal, and I keep having new private clients call me and my basic classes filling up weeks ahead of time (maybe time to open another one!). But I find myself getting annoyed at putting time into it. It’s not where I want to be right now. It’s not what I want to focus on. So it vaguely annoys me.

Or signing. I could totally, logically, throw myself into signing, learning ASL better, maybe taking classes, maybe studying and taking the first part of the certification test. Even when I was pregnant or had a baby I could totally keep that up part-time! But the thought is like an annoying fly I brush away. There’s a lot of detail work to do before I could really start that. And the thought of doing it is a niggling annoyance…so I passively avoid it.

I am not complaining. Life is good. I have a fabulous husband, a good life, lots of freedom, and my health keeps improving. Life is good.

But I am musing. Because I need to come up with another way to view things, so these next months (years?) are not interminable.


Filed under Life

6 responses to “Babybabybabybabybabybaby…

  1. Oh baby fever. Practically incurable. I get it from time to time myself.

    I say dive in. money will always be tight, but your eggs won’t always be ripe.

  2. Girl, do NOT give in and start buying stuff right now. There is more than enough time to overbuy/purchase things that baby will never get a chance to wear LATER. I forced myself to wait until I was at the halfway mark before purchasing clothing, toys and baby accessories – I still (thanks to ridiculously generous friends, family and coworkers) ended up with an INSANE amount of stuff.

    As far as waiting to try, there is never strictly a ‘perfect’ time to have a baby. There will always be stressors that cause you to think that perhaps you should wait. What we did was wait until my body screamed ‘BAAAAAYYYYBEEEE’ at me, then we went for it. Sounds like you’re pretty much there :-P

    BTW, my Bestie & I were just this very week discussing the cycle that our hormones seem to go through when our bodies decide that we need to have a baby. Basically, you start thinking about babies each time your period rolls around. Then the ‘gimme baby NOW’ gets stronger. Then it makes an appearance in between your periods. Then the desire is there continuously. Then the urge becomes a NEED, and you get mad when other people announce that they are pregnant. If you get to that point, just give in and start trying… you won’t be able to think of anything else anyway… :-P

    • Holy crap, that is EXACTLY what happened! Wow, that’s crazy! And yes, I’m at the NEED stage, and the getting mad when others announce they are pregnant (or when one couple I knows announces anything about their growing baby in mom). I SO want to give in and just start trying.

      The hubby and I decided to start trying in a few months. It’s not like it’s still in limbo. We have a time. I just don’t know if I can make it that long…

      As far as buying stuff, I basically have no coworkers and very few IRL friends (and none of the good ones live near me), so I’m not thinking I’ll get showered with tons of stuff. But who knows? Will (probably) be first grandbaby on both sides!

      • If you have a girl, I will send you TONS of stuff. If you have a boy, I will send you less stuff because I don’t have one of those :-P Don’t worry, people will come out of the woodwork with stuff to give you when you announce your pregnancy…

  3. Yeah. I never got baby fever. I had them ’cause that’s just what a human female is supposed to do right?

    Yeah. I’m not quite right in the head.

  4. Yeah, see, a year and a half ago I started to want kids. But like, eh, I’m good with em, that’s next, right? Look, they’re cute.

    Then it got stronger and stronger.

    If various things hadn’t held us up, I would never have felt this strongly about it!! It is just the slow build of hormones completely taking over my brain. Which means I am currently not right in the head, either.

    It also means, unfortunately for my husband, I cannot be reasoned with :P

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