It’s kind of weird.
I have baby fever. Bad. If you haven’t noticed.
Before too long, the hubby and I will start trying for kids.
I am very excited.
But no one else is.
Very few people IRL know about this development upcoming.
My mommy has some idea and is happy for me, but that’s about it (plus we don’t talk all that much, so we haven’t really discussed it). She reassured me she was ready to be a grandma, which is good, and that’s about it.
I told one local friend, and while she was happy for me, she said she hoped we would wait longer. I feel like, on the one hand, yes, you can always wait longer and enjoy life now and get in a better position. And yes, I am young. But biology is screaming at me and the hubby and I have been together almost 8 years now and we’re financially stable and I’m kind of in a holding pattern. So that was kind of a deflating moment.
My bestest friend lives far away and isn’t married (probably partially because she’s so hot and brilliant 347 guys are all fighting over her). We keep up and chat
and I am totally going to kidnap her and move her up here when she is done with her masters work but not that often (Noticing a pattern? It’s me, not them. I suck at regular phone conversations. My long-term friends are the ones I can not talk to for a year and then pick up right up where we left off when we spend a week living together.) She is super awesome and will be happy for whatever makes me happy (’cause she’s super awesome like that) but just in a different place in her life..so I can’t see her getting super bubbly excited for me, just like how before I hit this point I didn’t get super bubbly excited for others.
My other good college girlfriend has a kid and is excited-ish, but also in her own life and, again, we don’t talk much.
Another local IRL friend reads this blog and so knows where I’m at-ish, but we’re still fairly new friends and both pretty shy, and this being pretty personal it’s not something we really talk about (though she did give me massive amounts of comfort last week with my scare just by telling me it was OK to feel like it was a big deal)i.
And my hubby..well, he’s awesome. He does not have hormones driving him crazy, yet is still willing to adapt himself to my biological clock so I’m not fighting it for years. But we are definitely moving on my time, not his. And I have to try to keep the excited baby crazies down to avoid driving him crazy.
That about sums up who knows about it IRL. So it’s a pretty private thing. I am happy. I am looking forward to it. I have been waiting for this for a long time.
But no one else really has feelings above “Oh, cool,” at most.
It’s kinda lonely and disheartening to be so excited and so looking forward to and so consumed by something that no one else really cares about. I feel like I have to hold it in all the time and avoid bringing it up. This is amplified by the fact that I’m really not pregnant yet, so there’s nothing concrete to tell people or talk about anyway. But I am doing all kinds of research and preparation and getting excited and learning and going through new things now, even if I’m not pregnant yet. And there’s no one to share that with.
I didn’t realize how lonely it was until at my doctor’s appointment last week. I told them the timeframe we were thinking, and the doctor’s assistant got so excited and happy for me! She was bubbly and happy and told me congratulations and even squealed a little bit.
This woman just met me. It was my first appointment. And she works at a birth and family clinic, so it’s not like there’s a shortage of pregnant, soon-to-be pregnant, or recently pregnant women around her.
But she still got excited for me.
That made me feel so good.
I can’t wait to go back!
**Disclaimer: I in no way blame ANYONE in my life for lack of reactions. Most of the time it is my fault, anyway, for 1) not keeping in regular contact and 2) being shy. It is what it is…I’m just commenting on how “what it is” is kind of sucky. Low-grade sucky. But still. I would love someone to squeal with and talk things over with and get happy and excited with and share the ups and downs of this hormonal process with…I’ve just never been good at making friends. And right now all my jobs are pretty isolating (run my own business by myself, just started tutoring/teaching my own classes in a center where the only other staff I know is the owner, tutor online with no real human contact). If I was at my engineering job I can think of at least 2 girlfriends who would totally be squealing with me and checking in on me…but that’s not where I am now. Again, my fault. Just kind of lame.
But hey, if this is the worst “kind of lame” in my life right now, I’m doing pretty good.