When you have dysthymia, the depression is always there. Always. Just waiting around the corner. Watching every second of your life for a crack it can sneak in through.
It is a life-long battle.
It will never get (all the way) better.
It will never go away.
You cannot beat it.
All you can do is learn to live with it so that it affects you as little as possible.
And build up a kick @$$ support system, so that when it does start to win, they’ll hold you up while you fight it off.
I think one of the hardest things about dysthymia for me is how stinkin’ sneaky it can be.
The past week I’ve felt like I’m doing pretty good.
Haven’t been super sad.
Have been able to leave the house.
No anxiety melt downs.
No crying fits.
But it’s still got me. It just found a new way.
A subtle way.
One I didn’t notice.
So it managed to interfere with my life for a solid. week.
What way is that?
I have not returned any phone calls.
No big deal, you may think. So my friends aren’t hearing from me.
But that’s not it. My friends know not to call me, because I hate phones anyway and they’re much more likely to get a fast response texting or e-mailing.
It’s my business. Dog training. Potential clients. Current clients. People trying to get ahold of me to give me money.
I need to call them back to keep my business afloat.
And yet I just…haven’t.
I think of it, and my mind slides to something else.
I make excuses, things like, “It’s too late now,”…at 6 PM.
I keep myself busy doing nothing until after 9 (when I won’t call).
I say I’m “too tired” when I’ve woken up in the morning.
People who were seriously interested in my services haven’t heard from me.
And they left a message a week ago.
Now the calls are going to be that much more painful.
But I need to man up and do them.
Damn you, dysthymia, for being so damn sneaky.
It’s played the phone game before. It’s just always been for only a day or two, and as a minor side-effect, while other, more major symptoms took most of the attention and really let me know I was in it.
Time to go do what I have to do, despite my mind fighting me every step of the way.