I can’t let it go.
I can’t decide what to do.
I have been varying between depressed and obsessive about my news from yesterday all day.
If it is medically indicated, of course I will wait as long as needed to keep a potential baby healthy.
If the longer time is a number pulled out of the ass of the vaccine company (which they’re trying to cover), then I don’t want to wait that long.
There has never been a reported case of the vaccine causing any type of anything in a fetus, even when given to a pregnant mother.
But the disease it prevents can cause serious problems to the fetus if caught while pregnant, and the vaccine uses (weakened) live virus.
All medical agencies say to wait the shorter time, and then you’re completely fine, and only wait at all to be on the safe side because they don’t know.
But the manufacturer says to wait a longer time.
In the scheme of things is it that much longer?
But in the way my mind is going, the everything it has built up to now, the year+ of ever increasing baby fever (the last round was so intense it caused physical early pregnancy symptoms), it is a long time.
And if it’s for no medical reason but a number plucked out of the air..is it worth it?
But if I were to go with the shorter time and have the first ever baby who had complications, could I forgive myself?
The overly-conservative side of me says to wait the longer amount of time, even though ACIP and AAP don’t.
Every other part of me screams to only wait the shorter amount of time.
I could never forgive myself if things went wrong.
But if the chance of things going wrong is basically zero, is it worth all of the heartache and headache?
I just don’t know.
I can’t stop spinning around.
I hope the new doc tomorrow (family physician) can answer my questions. I hope she has the patience to talk me through things. I hope she has the knowledge to know where these numbers come from. I hope she has the answers to if I can take another blood test after the shorter time to discover if things are safe.
I hope I can have some peace after I get the first round tomorrow.
Because I am going to have to decide.
And no matter what I do, I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive myself, either for selfishness or for unnecessary pain.