Obsessed

I can’t let it go.

I can’t decide what to do.

I have been varying between depressed and obsessive about my news from yesterday all day.

If it is medically indicated, of course I will wait as long as needed to keep a potential baby healthy.

If the longer time is a number pulled out of the ass of the vaccine company (which they’re trying to cover), then I don’t want to wait that long.

There has never been a reported case of the vaccine causing any type of anything in a fetus, even when given to a pregnant mother.

But the disease it prevents can cause serious problems to the fetus if caught while pregnant, and the vaccine uses (weakened) live virus.

All medical agencies say to wait the shorter time, and then you’re completely fine, and only wait at all to be on the safe side because they don’t know.

But the manufacturer says to wait a longer time.

In the scheme of things is it that much longer?

No.

But in the way my mind is going, the everything it has built up to now, the year+ of ever increasing baby fever (the last round was so intense it caused physical early pregnancy symptoms), it is a long time.

And if it’s for no medical reason but a number plucked out of the air..is it worth it?

But if I were to go with the shorter time and have the first ever baby who had complications, could I forgive myself?

The overly-conservative side of me says to wait the longer amount of time, even though ACIP and AAP don’t.

Every other part of me screams to only wait the shorter amount of time.

I could never forgive myself if things went wrong.

But if the chance of things going wrong is basically zero, is it worth all of the heartache and headache?

I just don’t know.

I can’t stop spinning around.

I hope the new doc tomorrow (family physician) can answer my questions. I hope she has the patience to talk me through things. I hope she has the knowledge to know where these numbers come from. I hope she has the answers to if I can take another blood test after the shorter time to discover if things are safe.

I hope I can have some peace after I get the first round tomorrow.

Because I am going to have to decide.

And no matter what I do, I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive myself, either for selfishness or for unnecessary pain.

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3 Comments

Filed under Life

3 responses to “Obsessed

  1. My dumb question of the day:

    Could you speak to a (several) pediatrician about these concerns?

    Maybe some insight from the results end of the series of events could offer reassurance. I’ve found Peds to be more on top of current stats as to what things are doing TO kids.

  2. I don’t know if this sways you in any way, but I found out that my MMR had worn off when we were trying to conceive. I was also in need of an unrelated additional procedure, so we were supposed to be using contraception until my doctor cleared me… anywho… I went and got the vaccination and scheduled my procedure… then turned up pregnant. I talked to several medical professionals about the vaccine, and they all agreed that the likely hood of my having received a live vaccine was slim to none – so I forgot about it and moved on. That was it. Story over.

    See, I told you that I wasn’t sure it would help… *le sigh* I wish I could help!

    • No, it is good to hear! There has NEVER been a reported case of the vaccine causing any problems at all…there just haven’t been enough reported cases to draw any conclusion. So if something were to go wrong, I would be the first case ever. …but it could. They also say that the vaccine should not be a reason for termination of pregnancy, because there is almost certainly nothing wrong.

      So the risk is TINY, even if I was already pregnant.

      It basically comes down to me never forgiving myself if I was that first case and something so simple could have prevented it. But the chances of that happening are almost ZILCH. *sigh*

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