Stuck at the crossroads

Having another purposeless kind of day.

Feeling like I have nothing of worth I am doing.

I am running my little business and making some money from that.

I am tutoring/teaching classes at the tutoring center and really enjoying it..but it’s so little.

The degree we get in college really does affect our options. I really hate the message we give kids of, “Don’t worry about your major, you can always do something else, very few people work in their major their whole life!” Yes, it is true, you can work outside your major. But it is hard. And your options are limited by what you studied in school. I know the above message is said to stop kids from stressing out, but quite frankly, I’d rather have stressed out about it a bit more then and maybe come out of school with something I could use to find a job I enjoy.

I love teaching. I was talking to my therapist this week, telling her about how the boys in my class were giggling and making jokes the whole time because the chapter we were on was titled MENSURATION. How they were unruly and high energy and easily distracted (aka typical junior high school boys)..and I listened to myself..and the joy and love and warmth in my voice was wonderful. She commented on how happy I seemed talking about it, even when talking about them misbehaving. And it’s true. I like kids. I love teaching. I love explaining things and getting into it and seeing the understanding light up in a kids eyes.

I should get a teaching certificate. I should go to school for 15 months-2 years non-stop hard-core and just get one. It’ll hurt, but then I’ll have it and have something I can do and be proud of, be that teaching junior high or high school full-time or taking on one or two community college classes, or even subbing while I have kids. I want it.

But I won’t. Too scared to take that big step, that big commitment.

The last time I made a big commitment like that and spent tens of thousands of dollars I walked out with a degree I will likely never use again. I’m not confident enough to try that again.

And how do I balance kids with that? I want kids. And I want to be home with them while they’re little. I’d prefer that I see them for a majority of their waking hours. I have zero problem with daycare and think it has its own sets of benefits and downsides, but I don’t think it’s the right answer for me.

But given that, do I wait several years so I can get a certificate and some experience before having kids? Do I have kids now and wait several years before starting down the whole path, even though if I had a certificate I could just sub. or teach one or two classes at a community college? Do I try to squeeze it in-between children? I just don’t know.

A large part of this is guilt. Guilt for not contributing to my family. I stay at home and do nothing. I spend a lot of time resting and/or sleeping. I work some, but we don’t see a lot of money from that.

I mean, stay-at-home moms feel guilt over staying home and not bringing in money. And I’m not even a mom.

I know I have choices. I know I can pick. Quite frankly, I know I am very lucky to be in a position where I can stay home more, even while feeling guilty over it.

It’s not that I don’t feel I have choices.

It’s that I don’t know what the right choice is.

For me.

For my husband.

For our future children.

I’m hoping I will feel less-guilty about staying home once I have kids. But now I’m starting to wonder if this guilt of not doing anything is going to leech over into that, too, since it’s had so much time to build such a solid foundation.

I have choices. There are many paths open ahead of me.

I’m just too scared to pick one and stride down it.

So I keep standing here at the crossroads, feeling frustrated that I’m not moving forward.

I need to pick one, go boldly, and not look back.

**Update: As I was finishing this post my hubby called. I love that man. Totally bolstered me back up. So I’m OK, y’all, promise. Just need to get some stuff out to help me process.


Filed under Life

4 responses to “Stuck at the crossroads

  1. I love your writing. You do an amazing job putting the reader in your head space.

    Your hubby sounds fantastic, and like he really gets you.

    You know what I see? I think you’ll be knocked up sooner than you planned, I think you’ll embrace that experience fully. I think you’ll be a kick ass SAHM and when some years pass, you’ll have mellowed a bit (said with total affection). The idea of going to teaching school while kids at school will lend itself to a natural transition.

    Let the road rise to you occasionally : )

    I think true teachers will always incorporate that into their daily lives. You’ll be a great mom.

    Relax, it’s Sunday night. We can mourn or mutual lack of deep, relaxing bathtubs and A Plan another time.

  2. Wow, it’s like you were writing this from *MY* head. I’m in a similar situation… I have a degree that I want to use, but have to get at least a Masters in order to do what I want to do with it. And I don’t know when I’ll be able to do that, financially. So in the meantime I’m bouncing from job to job… stressing over not contributing as much to my household as I could, my schedule clashing horribly with my husband’s, and wondering if it’d be simpler to do exactly what everyone says and just go for something totally different. Because why should I expect to be different from everyone else who doesn’t do anything with their major? Been feeling like I’m the only one who’s agonizing over this stuff (and battling depression doesn’t help!), so although it sucks to know that you’re dealing with a similar situation, too, it’s also nice to know I’m not alone in the world. I’ll just keep fighting the good fight, and hope you’ll keep doing the same! Best wishes, my thoughts are with you!

  3. Kathryn

    Hugs to you. (I had more to say about this, but then I got frustrated (not at you, at the day) and tired (from being frustrated and again, from the day) and so everything I tried to say came out bitter or angry or snarky. Mostly snarky. So I take all I didn’t say back. Forget what you didn’t hear, as my kids would say.) It’ll all work out, or it won’t, but you’ll still figure out what to do and it will be ok. Especially if you get a better bath tub.

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