Having another purposeless kind of day.
Feeling like I have nothing of worth I am doing.
I am running my little business and making some money from that.
I am tutoring/teaching classes at the tutoring center and really enjoying it..but it’s so little.
The degree we get in college really does affect our options. I really hate the message we give kids of, “Don’t worry about your major, you can always do something else, very few people work in their major their whole life!” Yes, it is true, you can work outside your major. But it is hard. And your options are limited by what you studied in school. I know the above message is said to stop kids from stressing out, but quite frankly, I’d rather have stressed out about it a bit more then and maybe come out of school with something I could use to find a job I enjoy.
I love teaching. I was talking to my therapist this week, telling her about how the boys in my class were giggling and making jokes the whole time because the chapter we were on was titled MENSURATION. How they were unruly and high energy and easily distracted (aka typical junior high school boys)..and I listened to myself..and the joy and love and warmth in my voice was wonderful. She commented on how happy I seemed talking about it, even when talking about them misbehaving. And it’s true. I like kids. I love teaching. I love explaining things and getting into it and seeing the understanding light up in a kids eyes.
I should get a teaching certificate. I should go to school for 15 months-2 years non-stop hard-core and just get one. It’ll hurt, but then I’ll have it and have something I can do and be proud of, be that teaching junior high or high school full-time or taking on one or two community college classes, or even subbing while I have kids. I want it.
But I won’t. Too scared to take that big step, that big commitment.
The last time I made a big commitment like that and spent tens of thousands of dollars I walked out with a degree I will likely never use again. I’m not confident enough to try that again.
And how do I balance kids with that? I want kids. And I want to be home with them while they’re little. I’d prefer that I see them for a majority of their waking hours. I have zero problem with daycare and think it has its own sets of benefits and downsides, but I don’t think it’s the right answer for me.
But given that, do I wait several years so I can get a certificate and some experience before having kids? Do I have kids now and wait several years before starting down the whole path, even though if I had a certificate I could just sub. or teach one or two classes at a community college? Do I try to squeeze it in-between children? I just don’t know.
A large part of this is guilt. Guilt for not contributing to my family. I stay at home and do nothing. I spend a lot of time resting and/or sleeping. I work some, but we don’t see a lot of money from that.
I mean, stay-at-home moms feel guilt over staying home and not bringing in money. And I’m not even a mom.
I know I have choices. I know I can pick. Quite frankly, I know I am very lucky to be in a position where I can stay home more, even while feeling guilty over it.
It’s not that I don’t feel I have choices.
It’s that I don’t know what the right choice is.
For my husband.
For our future children.
I’m hoping I will feel less-guilty about staying home once I have kids. But now I’m starting to wonder if this guilt of not doing anything is going to leech over into that, too, since it’s had so much time to build such a solid foundation.
I have choices. There are many paths open ahead of me.
I’m just too scared to pick one and stride down it.
So I keep standing here at the crossroads, feeling frustrated that I’m not moving forward.
I need to pick one, go boldly, and not look back.
**Update: As I was finishing this post my hubby called. I love that man. Totally bolstered me back up. So I’m OK, y’all, promise. Just need to get some stuff out to help me process.