It has been one full year since I quit my job. April 30, 2010 was my last day as a professional engineer
I still miss it a lot. But I am also moving on.
I knew my job was killing me. I knew it was exhausting me. I knew I was worn out beyond reason. But I didn’t understand just how true all of that was.
For the last year I have been working less. Bouncing between what I call “little” jobs, things that aren’t full-time, aren’t careers, and are much lower stress. And I have been spending a lot of time at home. Sleeping. Resting. Not doing much of anything. Certainly not cleaning or cooking like I thought I would, since the lack of homemade food and clean house was driving me crazy!
I have felt guilty about it..but I have still done it. It is what I wanted to do. Nothing. Rest. Chill.
And now, one year later, I am finally starting to get bored with it.
I am sitting here, now, having gotten up, and with an hour and a half until my next scheduled commitment.
And I don’t want to sit here any more.
I want something to do.
Something I can be proud of.
Just sitting around no longer has the appeal that it did for a year.
Do you remember in school how you couldn’t wait until summer vacation? You dreamed of the lazy summer days laying around or running and playing with your friends, with no teachers or homework or learning?
And then do you remember how at the end of summer you were always bored? And going back to school and seeing your friends all day actually started to sound good again?
Yeah. That’s the stage I’m hitting.
It took me a year to get here.
It has taken so long, that I was starting to think it never would happen. I was starting to think that I was just inherently lazy, and that I would always be happiest doing nothing. That I was always going to have to force myself to do anything other than sit. And I was starting to really dislike myself for that.
When I first quit my job I expected that after a couple weeks, maybe a couple months, of lazing around, I’d be ready to hit the ground running again. I have always been a high achiever. I’ve always wanted, needed, at a gut level, something to do. But I haven’t this past year. I’ve wanted a purpose, but I haven’t had the energy or desire to put work into anything.
Now I think that energy and desire is finally coming back.
Not that I don’t still enjoy lazing around.
But I’m so glad that, finally, I actually want more than that. For me. I feel like doing more, I don’t just mentally know I should.
Now, to find something productive to put that energy into!
(And to do it without burning out again. Must not “CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!“)