Monthly Archives: July 2011

Why, hello again

Why, hello again, depression. It’s been awhile. Almost a month since you last gripped me so fully.

I know what triggered you to come seeping back into my life, subtly but strongly enough to completely envelop me. I expected you on Friday night, but I guess you were just taking your time until I wasn’t prepared. Maybe me blaring music so loudly I couldn’t think or feel for my hour drive home had something to do with the delay, too.

That’s OK, though. I’d like to thank you for holding off until today to grab me and pull me down to these depths. It gave me time to have a wonderful 24 hours away with my sweet hubby on our impromptu vacation. So take that. *sticks out tongue*

As you know, you are never welcome. I don’t know why I remind you, you always seem to invite yourself on in, anyway.

Please be sure you grab all your stuff when you go this time. Don’t want to leave any reason for you to come back.

While giving you the tour (again), I just would like to highlight this lovely door. It is the exit to my brain. Please, don’t hesitate to use it.

This time try to remember, it’s one-way only.

Forever yours,


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Filed under Invisible Illnesses, Life

Doggie Joy

Dogs bring joy. They just do. How can you look into puppy eyes and not feel flooded with love?

You can’t.

That’s right.

So I figured, we need more puppy joy. Why don’t I spread some?


First up, I Has A Sweet Potato.

This makes me laugh until I flipping cry. Tears streaming down my face as I choke through laughter. I’m just grateful I haven’t peed while reading it yet.

A sample:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren’t starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

It gets better. Oh. So. Much. Better. Go. Laugh. Cry. Try your best not to pee.

And if that doesn’t do it for you…this dog REALLY wants the stranger on the park bench to throw a stick for him.

That is one determined dog!

This looks exactly like something Toby would do. Exactly.

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Filed under Dogs

Information Sharing

I wish that birth was something more openly talked about in our society. I wish doctors weren’t trusted implicitly so much. But it seems birth is just one more of the things we can’t share information about, because it’s considered rude.

It’s like the scenario where a girl is raving about her boyfriend, but all her friends know he’s cheating on her. For the most part, it is considered socially improper to tell her, and everyone just has to smile and nod and wait for her to find out.

But the ironic thing is, if they were in her position, most people would want to know!

I feel like the same is true of birth.

I have a friend who is pregnant who recently told me her doctor won’t “let her” go more than a week past her due date. I asked why and she had some vague idea but didn’t really know, and then told me that how long they “let you” go depends on the doctor and she’s lucky because one week “isn’t that bad.”

There is so much I want to say in response.

Do you know that an induction more than doubles your chance of a c-section?

Do you know that if you don’t want an induction you can request your doctor do a non-stress test to check on the well-being of your baby? If all is well there is no reason to do an induction if you’re not comfortable with it.

Keep in mind that your doctor works for you! If you don’t want something done, that is your choice. They are there to advise and assist you, but it is your body and your birth. They do not “let” you go “late.” You decide what interventions you are comfortable with, and remember, induction is an intervention! You are “letting” them induce, they are not “letting” you do what your body does naturally!

How did your doctor determine your estimated due date? Was it using your last menstrual period? If so, keep in mind that many women do not ovulate 14 days after that like the system assumes. If your cycle has been more than 28 days in the past, you may have days or even weeks left until your baby is even at term!

And keep in mind that the estimated due date is an average, which means about half of all women will go past that point with absolutely nothing being wrong.

It is hard for me because, upon talking to her a little, it seems that she doesn’t  know these things. And just like the girl with the cheating boyfriend, if I was in her shoes and didn’t know, I would want someone to tell me! But it is so taboo to bring it up, if only because doctors are revered and it is wrong to say anything against them. Even mentioning these things casts you as bitter and on the fringe and as pressuring the mom to give birth naked squatting in the middle of an elven forest surrounded by unicorns.

Really, though, I don’t want to pressure her. I just want to pass on the information I am grateful was given to me. I am so glad my cousin opened the door to looking into birth for me, so I can have something much closer to informed consent when I am pregnant and near the time for birth. She brought up some of these things that I had never considered, and looking into them I now feel empowered.

Not everyone would. And if my friend learned these things and still wanted to follow her doctor’s advise (and it is advise, not an order), more power to her. Women can birth however they want! (Elven forest and unicorns excepted.)

It’s just the blind faith because people have never even thought to question that gets to me. Not that it’s their fault. It’s our culture’s fault. I had the same blind faith until 1) my cousin pointed me towards some questions to look into and 2) a couple doctors (one in particular) majorly screwed me over and wiped the haze from my eyes. But I have an abnormally large set of experience with doctors.

I guess I just feel trapped. She seems slightly uncomfortable with the idea of induction, but also slightly excited to know it will be over soon. I don’t want to decide how she births. But I feel bad letting her move forward with something she is uncomfortable with without some information I think she would like to have that I could point her towards. However, that pointing is so taboo I don’t feel I can do it. Which makes me feel like I’m withholding information from her. Lying to her by omission.

And that sucks.

Hey, if you ever know something about me or things affecting me, please pass it on. Even if it is someone taboo. I’d rather know!

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Filed under Life, TTC

The need to rest my butt

I am fat.

No, seriously. Not asking for reassurance.

I used to be quite a healthy weight. Right in the middle of the healthy weight range by BMI (which I know is bunk and way too generalized for many individuals, but is about right on for me based on what I’ve seen of my healthy body weight/shape…and my unhealthy body weight/shape). This was about 3 years ago.

Then I got married. And put on what a coworker called “happy fat.” This may also have to do with no longer walking all over campus every day while hauling heavy books. Those first two years of marriage the weight gain was steady but very slow. But the end I was at the veeeeery top of the “healthy weight” BMI range. But still in there.

Then depression and chronic fatigue decided to take over. When I’m depressed, I eat. When I’m fatigued, I don’t exercise.

PSA: This is not a good combination.

I knew I was gaining weight, but eh, it was just a little. I was still at the top of the “healthy weight” range. My new Wii Fit, which I got to help me lose some pounds a year ago, reminded me that “That’s healthy!” So yeah, I wasn’t where I ideally *wanted* to be, but it was more vanity weight loss.

And I kept telling myself that’s where I was.

For the last year.

As I put on another 11 pounds.

God, even just typing that hurts.

(I am not a tall person. Just to clarify. 11 pounds is a lot on my frame.)

I kept convincing myself I was *just* over the healthy weight line. I mean, I was *barely* obsese! And my Wii Fit kept alternating between saying “That’s healthy!” and “That’s overweight!”

Until, you know, it wasn’t.

I looked at myself in the mirror this weekend.

And I am fat.

Not horribly fat.

But….there is a very large, very flabby section in my middle. VERY large. And VERY flabby. I have never experienced anything like this.

And now when I stop and actually look at my Wii Fit BMI range? I need to stop kidding myself. I’m not “just above” the “healthy” weight line. I’m halfway to obese.

This needs to stop.

Now if I can find some willpower….

One thing that is helping is my new Wii Zumba game!

Holy cats, this thing is AWESOME!


Does this NOT look fun?

I mean, OK, I don’t look like her when I do it, but that’s why I close all the blinds and make sure my hubby’s not home!

I LOVE dancing. Seriously. LOVE. Have wanted to ever since I was little, but it wasn’t “lady like” so that was nixed (also, what with SAnD it was probably nixed once and stuck with me so I never asked again).

Now as an adult I’m finding my ways.

Flash mobbing (5 so far!).

And now Zumba.

And I l-o-v-e the video game because of the feedback. Which is actually done well. I don’t have an X-Box (sad), so I have the belt that comes with the game and I just stick my Wii-mote in there. It works amazingly well. And I love that it is focusing on the movement of your core (what I care about) rather than your hands.

The workouts are hard. I am definitely sweating by the end! Heck, I’m sweating by the middle! And every water break I am guzzling it down.

But it’s fun. So I don’t mind! In fact, I keep pushing myself to work harder. They have these beautifully spaced goals, and you can see your progress towards them. The goal means nothing. You go to the next level. It doesn’t remember what level you reached. There is nothing special for getting there. But I am goal-oriented so I care.

And, being a lazy person, it helps that I don’t have to gather up enough will power to leave my house, just to stand up.

I need to get up off my butt more and play this game. I often don’t *want* to. It’s still in my head as “exercise.” But as soon as I get going I am smiling and sweating and having a blast!

And then when I sit right back down on my butt again, when my work out is over, I feel better.

I’ve looked at myself. How I am right now is not OK. There needs to be a change in weight and body shape.

This game f**king rocks.

So let’s see if I can use it to make some progress.

It’s time I give my butt a break and use my legs!


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Filed under Life