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I recently scheduled my anatomy scan (ultrasound) where I’ll get my first look at my little one! I was so excited and eager as we set it up on the phone…and then at the end, they dropped it on me:
“You need to drink a crap-ton of water and have finished by at least one hour before you check in. God willing we’ll start on time about 20 minutes after you check in. The scan will take 80 minutes. You cannot use the bathroom for that entire 3 hour period.”
Um….hello? Can we review for a moment? I’M PREGNANT. Even if I *didn’t* drink a crap-ton of water, there is no way I could go that long without peeing! Certainly not while someone pushes directly on my bladder!
And then, as I sit there thinking how this is not going to go well, I remember the one other ultrasound I had.
You see, when I was about 15 I had a medical problem that doctors couldn’t solve (story of my life). To try to diagnose it, they sent me to get an ultrasound of my lower abdomen (same general bladder-centric region as pregnancy).
And I received the same instructions. Which, being 15 and incredibly obedient, I followed to the letter.
By the time I got in the car, on my own, to go to the hospital I’d never been to before, printed Mapquest directions in hand, I had to pee so bad I was jiggling in my seat.
I followed the directions and saw the hospital, turning the page to see where to go within the giant complex…
…and realized I left the second page at home.
And now I really had to pee. Like there’s about to be a puddle in my mom’s driver’s seat kind of IMMEDIATE NEED.
After driving around looking for a sign that said “Come here for ultrasounds!” I finally decided I better just park and ask for help on foot, because if I’m going to pee on something I’d rather it not be my mom’s car so I can pretend it never happened better. My stomach is now painful I have to pee so bad!
I pull into a parking garage, go to turn off the car…
…and the damn key is stuck in the ignition!
While the car is still running!
So. I cannot turn the car off. I cannot get the key out. If I stay here much longer my bladder is going to explode and urine is going to seep out of the hole it leaves in my stomach all over my mom’s upholstery. I still don’t know where I’m going. And I’m going to be late to my appointment.
I try to get the key out. Desperately. I’m hanging on the wheel, pushing on the pedals, doing everything I can think of to get the key out, because I certainly can’t leave the car running, unlocked, with the key in the ignition but things are getting desperate, people! I scream at the car, and some probably very friendly passersby look over in surprise and then give the running car a wide berth. Tears are running down my face because ohmygodIhavetopeeSOBADITHURTS!
Finally the stupid keys come out. I stumble out of the car, crying, and waddle to the nearest reception desk while trying not to double over in pain. I ask the woman there for directions to the OBGYN’s office. Have I mentioned that at 15 I looked about 11? She takes one look at crying, baby-faced me and says kindly she’ll just walk me there. She gets me there, settles me in a chair, and tells the receptionist I’m there. I’m mortified, but I can’t stop the tears running down my face. I’m stressed to the max and the incredible pain from my over-full bladder is not helping with the whole stopping-of-the-tears.
A nice patient in the reception area comes up and tells me it will be OK. Another comes and rubs my back. A nurse comes out from the back and tells me I can wait in a room if I want instead of the public waiting room. I accept, because I am mortified I’m crying in front of all these strangers who are obviously noticing.
She gets me in the back and sympathetically asks if there’s anything she can do to help and if I’m going to be OK. I sniffle, “Yes…I…just…have…to…pee…so…baaaaad!!!”
She abruptly stands up. “Oh. Is that all? If it’s this bad you can pee some! Just be sure you don’t fully empty your bladder.”
That woman was an angel directly from the right hand of god. I swear she glowed with a heavenly light as she gave this pronouncement.
I waddled into the bathroom and let off the pressure, being sure not to pee *too* much, because again, I’m obedient.
Feeling MUCH better I head back to the room I was waiting in, only uncomfortable instead of in killer pain.
3 minutes later my bladder is desperately, overly full again and the pain returns. All I can think is, FML.
(Icing on the cake? I realized later the place I was at for the ultrasound also did abortions and everyone thought that’s why poor little 11-year-old me was there.)
So yeah…I’m thinking I’m not going to be so super obedient this time around.
Sure, I’ll drink some water. And I’ll finish that undetermined amount sometime before I get there. And I won’t pee until the scan is over (unless I really want to).
But what happened at my last ultrasound? Is SO not happening again.
I would like to be able to see the pictures of my child. Not be blinded by the unrelenting need to PEE.