Ever since baby girl has been about 4 weeks old I have been experiencing a really strange way of feeling.
I’ve been happy before, at times, of course. There have been happy moments and even some happy days. But my default has always been mildly depressed, and the happiness is the exception.
Now, I just feel…right. Content. Happy. As a default.
It’s not all the time, of course. There are times when baby girl is screaming and I am frustrated, or when I want nothing more than to be able to sleep, or that I am annoyed at school. But now those are the exceptions.
Right now my life mainly consists of caring for my daughter. I’m not working anywhere. I have very few outside obligations. I’m still in school, but that is flexible in it’s timing and small enough I can treat it as a minor annoyance instead of a cornerstone of life.
And watching my daughter grow, watching her develop, feeling her snuggles, meeting her needs; I find it fulfilling in a way I never imagined I would.
I always thought I would want to have children, but that I would find the actual raising part to be somewhat annoying. Not enough to feel purposeful. Kind of an add-on. I was sure I would need some way to get out of the house and do something real.
And who knows, maybe I’ll feel that way as time goes on.
But for right now? I am content waking up every day and having basically nothing to do but live. Enjoy my day and help my daughter enjoy hers. Figure out my role as a mother and how to do it successfully. Take pleasure in accomplishing the little things, like doing a load of laundry or picking up a section of the house.
And so, of course, in my screwed up brain, I begin to feel guilty. Because if I am this happy with my life, it must mean I’m not doing enough. If I have the energy to enjoy my days, I should be diverting that energy into doing more for my family and my husband. A little voice keeps telling me if I’m content, I should be pushing myself harder.
I’m trying very hard to shut that little voice up. It helps that my husband thinks that little voice is dead wrong, so I don’t have to feel guilty to him.
Who knows if this will last. Maybe I will feel the need to get out of the house and do something in the workforce. But for now? For now, this is wonderful. And I am enjoying every day I get to spend with my sweet baby girl.