Monthly Archives: September 2012


I’m sitting in bed, nursing my baby back to sleep. We just had a diaper change, so she was very awake when we started. I feel her relax…relax…completely relaxed. Her sucking slows and stops. I think she is asleep, so I glance down in the light of my phone to check.

And am met with her big, beautiful eyes staring up at me. Studying my face. Trusting me completely to take care of her.

She is not asleep. She is just content.

Warm in the knowledge she is loved.

And she is. So very, very much.

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Nursing my love

I am not a giant lover of nursing. There are mamas who rave about how wonderful it is. I am not one. I find it preferable to bottles, but that’s about as far as it goes when you weigh the pros and cons. However, there are some very sweet parts of our nursing journey I have loved.

For a long time I could always make my baby love take a nap by stripping her down, putting her skin to skin, and side lying nursing with her in our bed. (I was always careful to keep the covers below her arm pits and the pillow far away, and these naps were the only time she was allowed to sleep in our bed.) It was so sweet feeling her warm little body relax completely against mine and knowing she felt safe there. She has always been a difficult sleeper, so this was the only way I could get her to take a nap that I could get one, too. I loved this closeness. A few mornings ago, for the first time, she nursed in the position but wouldn’t relax, wouldn’t sleep. I feel sad she’s already outgrown the guarantee of this.


It is pretty awesome that between running and producing enough milk for my child to spit up half of what she eats (shocking some pediatricians with the amount), fill copious numbers of diapers, and still be increasing her weight percentile I can eat like a trucker and still be losing weight.


Milk drunk is hilarious. Plus watching my baby in that blissful state and knowing I put her there? Priceless.

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Breastfeeding in Public

I am such a sucky blogger. I give up on promising I’ll get better, because I’m enjoying spending time with my sweet baby love so much, and we all know the last three times I promised it didn’t happen anyway, but hopefully someone will stick around for the occasional post.

Topic for today: boobies!

Pre-baby I was very anti-breastfeeding-in-public-without-a-cover. Yes, I realized it’s natural, and yes, I realized that in other countries/cultures it’s normal to just pop it out and stick on the baby. But really, casual hugging and touching is also natural and prevalent in other cultures/countries, and it has even been scientifically shown that more casual touching is better for us. But it’s not acceptable in our culture/country, and just because I think it should be doesn’t mean I can walk around caressing everyone. I felt the same for popping out a boob. Whether or not they should be, in our culture/country they’re sexual objects and it’s not ok to show nipples publicly. I thought this seemed fairly self-evident.

Then I had a baby. And I still felt that way. I got a couple fantastic bebe au lait covers cheap second-hand, threw one over me and baby when she was hungry and we were out or people were over, and that was that. It was kind of a pain, especially in the summer heat, but not that big a deal.

Then my baby got older. And her limbs got longer. And she enjoyed flailing them around while eating. And she got bigger. And it was harder to fit her on my boob between me and the table at a restaurant, let alone have space to position a cover over us. And she enjoyed squirming while getting in place to be fed, which added another layer of difficulty to getting the cover arranged without dropping her. And I began to understand why people say covers are such a pain.

And as the months of sore nipples and a stranger’s giant, firm boobs on my chest and them being used as a food source every few hours by a crying, selfish creature and hooking them up to a milking machine daily went by, I stopped thinking of my breasts as sexual. At ALL. And I began to understand why people have no problem exposing their breasts in public, and even briefly exposing their nipples.

I still use a cover. I am very aware of how others feel, and from my past views I get how a woman exposing her nipple to latch a baby on is not socially acceptable. And to be quite honest, when I see other moms breastfeed without a cover, even now, it makes me uncomfortable.

But I get it. Oh boy, do I get it. And seeing it also makes me jealous.

So I won’t be one on the front lines, trying to normalize breastfeeding by doing it publicly exposed.

But now I will cheer those women on, and hope that maybe for one of my next kids, at least in my progressive area, it will become generally accepted to ditch the cover and breastfeed publicly.

Because, while we as a culture view breasts as nothing but sexual, breastfeeding really could not be farther from it.

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It’s creeping back

I thoroughly enjoyed my dysthymia being more or less in remission for almost all of my pregnancy. And my post partum. But now that baby girl is three months old it’s starting to creep back.

A little thing going wrong Sunday sent me into a mini depression.

A silly thing currently going wrong won’t let go of my brain and let me sleep. I keep obsessing over it and can feel the depression pushing at the boundaries of my mind, seeking a crack to let it come in. Tension is gripping my whole body over this eminently first world problem.

Being healthy was so nice while it lasted. I’m trying to focus on being grateful for the reprieve rather than bitter that it doesn’t appear it will last. But man, having a taste of normalcy was so tantalizing…

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Filed under Invisible Illnesses, Life