It’s baaaaack

Today I was feeling lonely. I didn’t feel like doing any work. I didn’t feel like doing anything. It kept getting stronger as the afternoon went on. I couldn’t figure out why nothing felt good.

And then I realized.

It’s depression.

It’s back.

Once during my pregnancy while in a REALLY stressful situation I had a short relapse. But once I left the trigger (which was big and understandable) the depression left.

Today? No trigger.

I didn’t sleep great. But not bad. I was kind of grumpy when I woke up. But normal, healthy grumpy. And then I took a nap snuggled up with my baby love and I felt great.

I had a little stress from school, but certainly no more than I’ve had for weeks.

I had a wonderful lunch with my hubby. I brought something up I felt a little bad about, but no big deal.

There was nothing to set me off. Not even a combination of things. This has been a better day than many of late. Nothing outstanding.

And yet…And yet…

I’m depressed.

I want to go crawl into bed and do nothing for the rest of the day. And the foreseeable future. I just can’t make myself care about doing…anything.

I had a mentally healthy pregnancy.

I had a mentally healthy first four months post partum.

I guess that’s all I get.

At least I knew what I had and enjoyed it while I had it.

And at least, even as it’s taking over, I want to snuggle my little love more, not harm or neglect her.

I’m grateful for the healthy time I got, even as I’m sad it’s apparently ending.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go hug my beautiful baby and hang onto her until I find my way back to me.

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Filed under Invisible Illnesses, Life

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