I fucking hate work. All those people who said it would make me treasure the time I had with Baby Love more? They’re wrong.
Do you know what it IS doing? It’s making me angry at her. Actively, strongly angry. She’s a BABY. That is not ok.
Work takes all of my energy. I get home and I’m happy to see her, but I’m exhausted. I have nothing left for any little set back or abnormal fussiness.
And night time…we are having a major sleep regression. It SUCKS. I have gotten frustrated, not been sure how to go on, wanted to cry, and wanted to give up in the past when Baby Love was having a bad night…or week…or month…or lifetime. But I have never felt angry at HER. Always primarily at the situation. Tonight while in her room for the fifth time at 4am I was very angry at her. A hot anger. I knew I had to get up for work in a few hours and I was angry at her for refusing to sleep.
I HATE getting angry at my infant. It’s not her fault. She can’t help it. She wants to be sleeping. But the anger still rose up and overwhelmed me so I didn’t trust myself to pick her up for the first time ever. Never has my frustration with sleep woes been so directed at her. It’s always been at the universe. But now I just don’t have enough spoons to be able to deal with this.
I hate feeling this way. I just want work to be over. But I can’t stop for three more months. And that makes me want to cry.
I’m so sorry, baby. I’m trying to be a good mom even while sabotaging my ability to be so. I love you even when I can’t show it.