Category Archives: TTC

The reason for the silence…

Remember back in September when I posted about how I hated stupid negative tests? Well…

Two days later, while on vacation celebrating our anniversary with my hubby, I saw this:

Those are four pink lines, people!

I had been waiting to test until my hubby wasn’t around each month so I could surprise him in some creative way with the news. But since we were in a hotel room together, and I completely expected the test to be negative, I just took it with him lounging in the main room.

And the romantic way of telling him? Consisted of me calling him into the bathroom and insisting he stare at the top test (which I took first) to tell me if he could  see a line there or not. And him not quite knowing what a line being there meant. And then me deciding it was too close to call and insisting we both get dressed for the day quickly and go to the grocery store to buy another brand of test (bottom one).

Ah, the romance!

But when all was said and done they were definitely positive and now, as I near the end of first tri, this baby is still holding on and going strong!

We’ll be becoming a family of four come May!

Enjoy our Halloween family photo:

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Stupid tests…

I really, really hate stupid, negative tests.

That is all.

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Information Sharing

I wish that birth was something more openly talked about in our society. I wish doctors weren’t trusted implicitly so much. But it seems birth is just one more of the things we can’t share information about, because it’s considered rude.

It’s like the scenario where a girl is raving about her boyfriend, but all her friends know he’s cheating on her. For the most part, it is considered socially improper to tell her, and everyone just has to smile and nod and wait for her to find out.

But the ironic thing is, if they were in her position, most people would want to know!

I feel like the same is true of birth.

I have a friend who is pregnant who recently told me her doctor won’t “let her” go more than a week past her due date. I asked why and she had some vague idea but didn’t really know, and then told me that how long they “let you” go depends on the doctor and she’s lucky because one week “isn’t that bad.”

There is so much I want to say in response.

Do you know that an induction more than doubles your chance of a c-section?

Do you know that if you don’t want an induction you can request your doctor do a non-stress test to check on the well-being of your baby? If all is well there is no reason to do an induction if you’re not comfortable with it.

Keep in mind that your doctor works for you! If you don’t want something done, that is your choice. They are there to advise and assist you, but it is your body and your birth. They do not “let” you go “late.” You decide what interventions you are comfortable with, and remember, induction is an intervention! You are “letting” them induce, they are not “letting” you do what your body does naturally!

How did your doctor determine your estimated due date? Was it using your last menstrual period? If so, keep in mind that many women do not ovulate 14 days after that like the system assumes. If your cycle has been more than 28 days in the past, you may have days or even weeks left until your baby is even at term!

And keep in mind that the estimated due date is an average, which means about half of all women will go past that point with absolutely nothing being wrong.

It is hard for me because, upon talking to her a little, it seems that she doesn’t  know these things. And just like the girl with the cheating boyfriend, if I was in her shoes and didn’t know, I would want someone to tell me! But it is so taboo to bring it up, if only because doctors are revered and it is wrong to say anything against them. Even mentioning these things casts you as bitter and on the fringe and as pressuring the mom to give birth naked squatting in the middle of an elven forest surrounded by unicorns.

Really, though, I don’t want to pressure her. I just want to pass on the information I am grateful was given to me. I am so glad my cousin opened the door to looking into birth for me, so I can have something much closer to informed consent when I am pregnant and near the time for birth. She brought up some of these things that I had never considered, and looking into them I now feel empowered.

Not everyone would. And if my friend learned these things and still wanted to follow her doctor’s advise (and it is advise, not an order), more power to her. Women can birth however they want! (Elven forest and unicorns excepted.)

It’s just the blind faith because people have never even thought to question that gets to me. Not that it’s their fault. It’s our culture’s fault. I had the same blind faith until 1) my cousin pointed me towards some questions to look into and 2) a couple doctors (one in particular) majorly screwed me over and wiped the haze from my eyes. But I have an abnormally large set of experience with doctors.

I guess I just feel trapped. She seems slightly uncomfortable with the idea of induction, but also slightly excited to know it will be over soon. I don’t want to decide how she births. But I feel bad letting her move forward with something she is uncomfortable with without some information I think she would like to have that I could point her towards. However, that pointing is so taboo I don’t feel I can do it. Which makes me feel like I’m withholding information from her. Lying to her by omission.

And that sucks.

Hey, if you ever know something about me or things affecting me, please pass it on. Even if it is someone taboo. I’d rather know!

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“It only takes one time…”

I have moved! I am now blogging at The Energizer Mommy. Please come join me there!

Growing up we are constantly bombarded with the idea that “it only takes one time to get pregnant.”

Which is true.

But in impressing on everyone how very possible it is to get pregnant from just one time of having sex…it starts to spread the idea that it is easy to get pregnant.

Every time someone gets pregnant accidentally it is a major story, even if just among friends, that is passed along….and encourages the idea that it is easy to get pregnant.

By warning women how careful they have to be to not get pregnant…it impresses the idea that getting pregnant is easy and almost automatic unless you actively prevent it.

Which then makes it harder to come to grips with when you don’t get pregnant immediately.

One women on a board I frequent (which I’m not going to link to because I kind of enjoy these being separate, and she wants to keep her family planning private), had this to say in response to a question about her “aha moment” regarding trying to conceive:

Uhm…. like as in, “AH HA, this $hit isn’t as easy as my sex ed teacher said it would be”?

Because I think that overall feeling is the biggest one — after fearing pregnancy for so long, to finally want it, and not be able to get it…  Even though you’re taught as an adolescent that “all it takes is once”.

Because really, what it takes is:

taking PNVs religiously, making best friends with your CM and CP, reaching for the thermometer every time you wake up, trying to keep sex sexy even though you’re really kinda looking at your husband like he’s a sperm dispenser, trying cycle after cycle at exactly the right time…  and even *then* some people never achieve pregnancy.

AH HA, I guess.

I hope I’m not at this for long. If only so I still have some readers at the end of this journey. And don’t drive my hubby crazy. Or myself.

(Please don’t tell me to chill. I know. And I do, most of the time. But writing helps when it’s eating at me.)

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WW: Unsolicited Advice

I haven’t participated in Writer’s Workshop for awhile, it goes along with all my blogging sucky-ness. But this week a topic struck me and I figured, hey, I can write on that.

1.) List 10 things you wish you could say to strangers who share unsolicited advice about your parenting skills.

OK, with some slight modifications. The prompt I’ll write about

1.) List 10 things you wish you could say to strangers who share unsolicited advice about your parenting skills trying to conceive (TTC).

And I’m going to pair it with the things people say to me.

To clarify, I don’t get this advice directly much. I’ve told very few people I’m TTC because I don’t want the advice. I know enough other people TTC who get it CONSTANTLY, and with the whole SAnD the thought of having to deal with the constant criticism is pretty terrifying. (ETA This is not directed at anyone specifically. On the other hand, I have gotten at least half of these comments directly.) I don’t even really write about it on my blog, which was supposed to be my safe haven where I could write about what I wanted, because now I “know” my readers online and I’m scared of what THEY might say to me.

(Side note, that’s probably also much of why I haven’t been blogging much. Because TTC is a big part of my thought process at the moment, but I don’t feel like I can really write about it.)

So maybe this’ll help me get my confidence back so I can say whatever I want again.

Here we go!

1. I’m pregnant! And we weren’t even trying!

OK, this one is half a joke. I am happy for all my pregnant friends, or friends with newborns. Even if I do kind of want to punch them in the face and go sulk rather than offer congratulations. Really, I am. There’s just also a part of me that’s extremely jealous, which battles with that happy part.

So starting for real…

1. You’re young, you don’t want kids yet!

Actually, I do. You don’t know my situation. You don’t know my background. You don’t know what it is to be me. And you aren’t living with my hormones. So shut it.

2. Stop thinking about it so much!

It is kind of hard to stop thinking about something you really want. Here, I’m going to give you a million dollars, probably within the next year. Now stop thinking about what you’ll do with the money and all your new free time. Wait, you mean it keeps intruding on your thoughts? Funny, that…

3. Stop worrying about all these details!

I want this to happen. I can increase the odds if I have sex at the right time. And those odds are only 20% success if my timing is perfect and there is absolutely nothing impeding things. And the only way to know when to have sex is to “worry about the details.” So yeah, I’m going to.

4. I knew someone who couldn’t get pregnant, and then she stopped trying so hard and it happened!

Good for her. That is not everyone’s story. I counter your story with a stack of stories of women who were just relaxing and letting it happen and couldn’t get pregnant, and then started “trying so hard” and got pregnant the next cycle.

5. Have you ever thought that maybe you’re infertile?

Nooooo, it’s never crossed my mind. /sarcasm. Of COURSE I have. I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it. In the meantime, I’m trying not to think about it to avoid the whole stress thing, so thanks.

6. It’s not a big deal (that you’re not pregnant).

Actually, it is a big deal. This is a long, slow process, and it rips my heart a little every time another month passes and I’m not. I can point you to a whole community of women who agree.

7. There’s always next month!

Next month is a long ways away, and a long time to wait. It’s hard to comprehend how little one chance a month is until you’re living it all.the.time.

8. You know, stress can stop you from getting pregnant.

Gee, thanks. I am aware of that. I am trying not to stress. But unfortunately, managing stress is not as easy as deciding to turn it off.

9. Just relax and enjoy sex.

Actually, I do enjoy sex. I actually enjoy it more while trying to make a baby. And remind me when this became your business again, anyway?

10. You shouldn’t be upset, it’s only been (x) months.

Every month you end up not pregnant after trying sucks. Ask women who have been there. And in my case, it feels like I have been trying 6 months to a year longer than I actually have, because I so! desperately! wanted to get pregnant long before we started trying, but held off because of circumstances outside of my control that I didn’t fully accept or agree with. So while it may only have been (x) months, it feels like a lot longer to me.

And there you have it, my list of 10 things NOT to say to a woman TTC. Or at least, my list of the first 10 things that came to my head.

I get the stupid things people think and say. Several years ago I remember reading the blog of a woman who was sharing her pregnancy news, and mentioned how she cried the first few times she “failed” a pregnancy test. I was shocked and a little disgusted. Really? Crying? And saying you “failed” it? So you’re not pregnant yet, no big deal, there’s always next month.

Now I’m a woman who has cried at a “failed” ovulation test. And that’s not even a failure, it may turn positive tomorrow! And you can get pregnant without it ever turning positive, anyway!

Hormones are crazy powerful things, y’all. There’s a reason the human race has survived.

So allow TTC women their grief, and if you must comment, keep it to, “Good luck!”

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